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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, April 24, 2024
Festivations: birthday boy will ""fix"" your vehicle

Mr. Jim ?The Mad Mechanic? Schmidt

Festivations: birthday boy will ""fix"" your vehicle

Lets hear a great big hip-hip-hooray for our good friend Mr. Jim ""The Mad Mechanic"" Schmidt as it's his 30th birthday! You may recognize this picture from the news since on this specific day only he transforms into a highly dangerous and well-known criminal as soon as he grabs that dusty box on the top shelf, whips the packing peanuts and moth balls on the floor and dons that demonic welding mask even Beelzebub would run away from!

Schmidt hates feeling insignificant, especially on this day of days, so if someone in his hometown doesn't wish him the best in his 30th year he will rip the engine out of their car with his bare hands, bend bumpers in half, possibly steal the stereo system as long as it's not a lame-ass cassette player and definitely slash the fuck out of your tires 95 times worse than Carrie Underwood would.

""I sent this photo in not only to celebrate Jim's milestone birthday, but also because I hope to prevent anyone else from getting their car smashed to shit and smithereens like my beautiful faded green Ford Pinto. I still think about her every day..."" Jim's co-worker Bob Wallace enclosed in a note sent with this picture.

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(Good thing Jim never even cracks open the paper, or you'd be waist deep in some extra-strength quicksand since we printed that note, Bobby-boy!)

So now you had best run off and make this man a cake or at least give him the contents of your wallet in addition to wishing him well. Always better to err on the safe side.

Also, if you plan to go out tonight, even down the street to let your dog shit in the neighbor's yard and pretend you don't notice it grunting and whining, watch out! I have a feeling Schmidt will be galavanting about smashing the vehicles of ungrateful wenches and if you don't want to be hit by a rouge side-panel or carburetor.

Instead, I suggest you pull down your tar-paper air-raid blinds and hunker down in the basement. You may also want to grab some cans of Chef Boyardee and cook them on a campstove to keep your strength up.

Got any photos you'd like to get an embellished celebratory story for? Send them to vstatz@wisc.edu

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