Deer Cardinal,
We are worried about our son Riley. He is a freshman living in Chadbourne this year, and so far he doesn't seem to be making any friends. He was such a friendly outgoing boy in high school here in our small town of Reedsburg, WI. Always in his red and blue cheering the Beavers' chess team on to the state and then national meets! Oh, he and his friends had the best time playing with their Magic cards and riding their Huffy's on down to the Hobby Lobby.
Anyway, what should we do? We want our boy to have the best time of his life at UW-Madison. How do we help him grow as a young man?
—Holly and Gerald Jones
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Jones, it seems as though Riley just isn't willing to reach outside of his comfort zone into the realm of MANLINESS. Outlined next is a proven three-step program as to what Riley needs to do in order to help him reach his full potential.
First, send him over to one of those indie book clubs. They'll give him something to be afraid of. In fact, he may never want to write or interact with humans again after they get done ripping his meticulously well-thought out comments to pieces, screeching, ""Did you actually read ‘Fight Club'? Do you even know who Chuck Palahniuk is? Because your statements about his discussion of masculinity in this work are complete bullshit and obviously founded in the pile of mouldering brain cells that comprise your intellect.""
When he calls you sobbing and snotting like he did in the fifth grade when he was away at arts and crafts day camp, tell Riley to suck it up. Tell him that in this noble American life, ""the fights go on as long as they have to."" He should stop bawling immediately.
Second. Tell him he needs to channel these womanly emotions into something protein-building, like lifting weights. Give your son some Muscle Milk and tell him to hustle on over to the SERF. Since he has probably never stepped foot in the SERF, make sure he asks where the weight room actually is, or he might wind up in a Jazzercise class, which would immediately and irrevocably take him back to square one. Make sure he wears a T-shirt with the sleeves cut off.
Once inside, here are some pointers for raising his level of manliness in the eyes of other men: constantly flex while watching oneself in the mirror, don't use free weights in the range of five-20 pounds. Those are utterly wimpy. Finally, aggressively check out any girls that decided to invade this sacred man-territory. Once they feel overly self-conscious, they will leave and he can concentrate once again on enlarging his gluteus maximus.
Third, force him to pledge for a fraternity. Doesn't matter which one, but the less morally productive, the better. This way he is sure to be doing as many manly things as possible. Homework is for pussies. Riley will be exposed to such ego-inflating things as keg-stands, shotgunning, Edward 40 Hands, beer bonging and beer ponging. Once he can drink an entire 18 pack of Beast Ice without puking, he will finally be a man.
You may be wondering why none of his previous interests have made the manliness cut. Well, you do want him to score a fairly attractive, brainless wife and one half of a duplex someday, right?
Deer Cardinal,
I wanted to ask your opinion on a very important matter. Currently I am creating a profile for an online dating site. I think I have tweaked my description of myself so that I ultimately appear cooler. (For example, instead of writing, ""I play MMORPG's for at least ten hours a day,"" I wrote, ""I dominate at MMORPG's every single minute I play, which is usually over 600 minutes per day."")
The problem is, I have no idea which picture I should post. I've narrowed it down to two though, as I know you are very busy. The first is me smiling, with a goatee, wearing a purple polo shirt and glasses. I think it shows how professional I can be, thus subversively letting females know I am a moneymaking machine! The second is me last year, sporting a ""no-shave November"" beard, goatee, ‘stache and mutton chops. I am wearing a tuxedo T-shirt. This picture displays more of my true personality, and I hear freaks dig tons of facial hair. Plus, I look super classy with that shirt on. So, what do you think?
—Brawny Bill
This is a very difficult decision to make, especially since I can't look at the actual pictures themselves. Hmm, it depends what kind of woman you are looking to attract. If you want to be popular with the very young, inexperienced freshman from a small town who hasn't dated anyone ever, I think you should go with the first look. They will still appreciate the attempt at style an Abercrombie polo gives its wearer. Also, they might actually think you make some money, although the excessive amount of time spent gaming might give you away to any girl who can process simple information. (But really, do you sleep on your best friend's porch?)
If you are looking to attract an older, more mature woman, say, over the age of 30 and divorced, you should go with the second look. Those women will be totally turned on by the amount of effort and amino acids it must have taken for you to grow such excessive facial hair. I suggest you start frequenting dive bars on weeknights, and search for other similarly styled T-shirts. You may even try wearing those joke T-shirts with sayings like, ""Allergy Alert! This T-shirt may contain a nut.""
Take this advice to heart, Brawny Bill, and I guarantee you'll at least catch some thing with a vagina.
