After three years of constant, sporadically located construction being done on UW campus buildings, streets, sidewalks and courtyards, the UW Chancellor's Office has declared that in an effort to speed up the process the entirety of the UW campus will soon be under construction.
""Fuck it. We're just gonna tear the whole place down eventually—what's the point of spacing construction out over 10 years simply for the overrated ability to be able to walk around campus when we could just do it all now?"" said Sharon Dillinger, head of the UW Council for Renovations. ""I'm sick of students calling me every minute of the day for the past few years whining about not hearing their professors and not being able to study at College Library anymore with all of the jack hammering and buzz sawing going on in the middle of the day so we figured we'd just get it all over with in one fell swoop.""
Students across campus who are sick of waking up to the sound of construction and hearing it while walking to class, (even with iPods set to Metallica at full volume), are advised to buy either a pair of noise cancelling headphones or a few large bottles of aspirin. Possibly both. Those who have been frustrated with months of seeing orange cones, Bobcats, cranes and haggard-looking construction workers shamelessly hit on timid freshmen girls can look forward to seeing even more of it in the coming months.
""This place is getting a facelift that would make Cher seethe with jealousy. It's all fucking coming down. The libraries, the Memorial Union ... honestly, the Red Gym is looking really old and tacky these days so we're gonna rip that pile of shit down too. Screw history. Hell, even old Abe Lincoln up on Bascom Hill is getting the boot. We're gonna put in a new 40-footer complete with all the bells and whistles, like 14-karat gold leaf and a top-hat made of solid bronze,"" said Dillinger.
Students will be expected to attend class as usual during the ongoing construction and will be given detour maps to aid in navigating the construction zones and scaffolding on the way to their lectures and discussions. Stylish ""Bucky"" hard hats and dust masks will be handed out free of charge for the slightly dangerous trek to and from classes. The university will not be held liable for any accidents occurring as a result of a failure to use provided safety equipment.
Funded by students' tuition payments, improvements made on UW facilities will be well worth the inconveniences endured for a mere couple years. Six extra floors will be added to College Library, one of which will hold the ""Quieter Study"" study room for those students not satisfied with the volume level of the current quiet study room. Even the SERF will be upgraded. It will finally have air conditioning for sweat-weary joggers and basketball players as well as new facilities for the growing number of students competing in sports such as curling, cricket and polo.
""We're really excited about the improvements that are going to be done, especially if we're gonna keep up with those damned goody two-shoes over in Minnesota and Michigan. The campus is really going to be something to see in around three or four years,"" said Dillinger.
Roads, sidewalks and buildings will start going down at the beginning of October. Students can look forward to increasingly large delays, ear-piercing diesel engines and a higher risk of being run over by a backhoe. Luckily for current freshmen, there's a slim chance they may be around long enough to see the finished product come into focus through the choking clouds of dust.
