Last week, as local sophomore Timothy McFadden eagerly waited in front of his television set for the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards, something magical happened. Sitting with a box of Cheez-Its and a lukewarm Doctor Pepper, Timothy was so emotionally stirred by the groundbreaking vocal performances of Justin Bieber and Usher, that he made a personal pledge to be ""just like them"" some day. Timothy's personal realization that he was bound for musical stardom occurred just as Bieber (16), surrounded by 13-year-old male background dancers, sang his most well known lyrics ""Like baby, baby, baby ohh"" for the 36th time.
""Justin's performance was truly unbelievable, just the sight of all those 12-year-old girls screaming and trying to touch him really made me certain that a career in popular music was for me. I'm going to be the most talented artist in Wisconsin, and probably in all the Midwest for that matter,"" said a thoroughly inspired-looking Timothy.
Before the VMA's had even ended, McFadden (or recently, T-Mac) had already jotted down what he was sure were five ""smash hits,"" and was running for his Macbook Pro soon after. After Google-ing ""how to make music"", he downloaded Apple's Garage Band, the program Timothy had read would surely make him bigger than Jesus, cigarettes and birth control combined.
As he scrolled through the pre-set beats, and fiddled with the numerous effects at his fingertips, Timothy knew he had to suppress his excitement just long enough for one masterpiece to be created. Unfortunately, just as he was ready to hit the little red ""record"" button, he suddenly realized it … Timothy couldn't sing, and, for that matter, really wasn't ready for the effort and time needed to learn how to. He slumped over his computer and, head in hands, began to sob uncontrollably, apparently realizing he just wasn't nearly as talented as legendary musicians Justin Bieber or Lil' Wayne.
""Well shit, I said to myself…so much for my surefire hip-hop career. Then, through the tears I saw it, the little slide-bar to the left of the screen with ""Tune-Enhancement"" written above it. Hesitantly I clicked it, spit a few rhymes into the onboard microphone, and the results were unbelievable. The computer will not only play my drums and synthesized guitar, it actually hits the notes for me! It was at that point that I knew I really was going to make it big after all … I can only imagine what musical genius would result if T-Pain or Chris Brown knew about this!""
So for ten straight hours, T-Mac passionately talked his vocals into his Macbook, crafting his breakout album, ""Songs o' Strife, Pimp 4 Life,"" one track at a time. In a recording session which seemed to rival the Abbey Road sessions, Timothy McFadden and his Macbook successfully harmonized through 14 heart-pumping beats straight, without sleep or even instruments. After only nine days, his hit songs ""Step up Bitch"" and ""Did I Stutta, Make you Shudda"" have managed to accumulate over 200 views on YouTube and have been commented on at least six times each.
""It's really surreal going from regular Joe to multi-talented rapper in twelve hours, but I'm handling it well. I've already charged twenty grand to my MasterCard for stage-wear and recording equipment, but I know that will be peanuts for me in a month or so. Also, I'm really stoked to lose my virginity, because if this album doesn't do that for me I might as well become a priest ASAP (sorry mom).""
Look for T-Mac's new hot album on iTunes soon, and catch his planned local performances throughout Madison. The first of these performances will be held right where all of those homeless guys with guitars missing strings hang out and share Marlboros, just outside of Potbelly's Sandwiches.
