Aw, come on man. Seriously bro, what time is it now? Like 4 a.m. or some shit? Honestly, I asked for a triple order of Topperstix hours ago. What the hell is up with this wait?
What's that? You say I only ordered 15 minutes ago? Bullshit, dude. I'm calling bullshit on that. We left the bars and came, like, straight here man. We didn't stop anywhere, made a straight beeline for this place. Well, we did stop at Qdoba to check and see if my buddy Chase could toss us some free nachos. And Fat Sandwich, 'cause they had ""SportsCenter"" on.
Oh, and we also dropped by Grand Central because my main man Trent thought this chick he knew from Geology 111 was gonna give him a BJ. Turns out she was passed out when we got there. Still, good effort man. Super-secret booty babe fist pound, man!
But anyway, we've been here like all night, man. I mean, after we decided whether we wanted ranch or nacho cheese with the Topperstix, and after Steve said we should just get a buffalo ranch pizza instead to combine them, and after this cool guy in front of us told us we can just get a ranch cup and a nacho cheese cup in the same box, we got our order in RIGHT away! BTW thanks for that man. What's your name? Skip? Saul? Whatever.
Thanks anyway, dude.
But you, man, behind the counter, you're just being a dick. How long does it take to cook some Stix up anyway? Thirty seconds? Forty seconds? Oh, more than that? Well SOOOO-RY man, my mistake. That's how long it takes to make ramen at home, man, how much longer can it take to cook anything else?
Hey, stop lying to me, man. I've been here way more than 20 minutes. We left Johnny O's at bar time, and I told you, we came STRAIGHT HERE, and it's gotta be like 4:30 now. No, dude, that clock behind you is wrong, you must have forgot about daylight savings or some shit like that. Dude, it is sooooo not 2:45. You're just off, man, you're just off, I bet you're high. And not high like I am, you're probably on some hard shit like meth or something. Do you have a meth lab back there? Are you wasting time in the back cooking meth and crack rock when you could be baking a toasty layer of dough topped with a sizzling layer of melted cheese just for me and my bros?
OK, OK, you're not cooking meth, sheesh! No need to try and throw me out of the pizzeria! For fuck's sake, I'm just playin' with ya man! You don't need to toss me out onto the cold street with the smokers and the homeless dude in the Spongebob sleeping bag. Somebody get an asshole chant going here! ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE, ASS-HOLE!
Nobody's up for an asshole chant? Fine, screw all of you. It's all of your stupid complicated pizza orders that are getting in the way of me enjoying my orgasmic Topperstix deliciousness. As soon as I get my hands on that shit I'm gonna be balls deep in nacho cheese, man. That is if this stupid asshole will get me my goddamn Topperstix!
Hey wait, you're giving this douche Topperstix before me? I was three spots in line ahead of him! Give me those Stix, man! I don't care if the line was a mob with no discernable order, give me those goddamn Topperstix!
OW! Fuck, that's one hell of a right hook, dude. I take that back, you keep that box. I'll just wait here until they get me my order.
Wait, shit. I didn't actually order yet. Whatever, I'm not feelin' Topperstix anyway. Let's get out of here, I'm craving some Mickey D's right now. Chicken nuggs, bitch! Up top!
Guy is a junior majoring in human development and family planning. He's also very drunk. Please send responses to opinion@dailycardinal.com.
