Hi Erica,
I have a question about blowjobs. I have never been able to reach orgasm from a blowjob except on a few rare occasions, and manual stimulation was also used. I don't know what's wrong with me. It feels great, and I wish my girlfriend did it more. However, she blames herself for not being able to make me come to fruition. She gets frustrated, and it gets to my head too... I'm at my wit's end, and I (and probably her as well) am willing to try anything.
—Loves It But Hates It
OMG, LIBHI, you have no idea how selfishly thrilled I am that you decided to e-mail me. I had my first round of midterms this week, and if I had to sit around and think up something to write for the sex column, my head probably would have exploded.
And speaking of explosions, let me start answering your question by first saying that absolutely nothing is wrong with you. There's no right or wrong way a consenting adult can have an orgasm. Lots of times, it takes a rather specific type of stimulation to make us come—hard and fast, long and deep, little counterclockwise circles. As a result of this specificity, some things that can be fantastically pleasurable (sexually and otherwise) might not necessarily be orgasmically pleasurable. Few among us don't love a long back rub or a hot shower—but few among us have orgasms from those things, either.
If our goal is to increase the variety of stimuli that can make us come, the first step is to approach our quest with an open mind. If our (lack of) orgasm is getting to our heads, as in LIBHI's case, then game over; pull up your pants, roll over and go to sleep. The most powerful sex organ we have is our brains, and the easiest way to ensure we do not have an orgasm is to worry about whether we're going to have one. This seems like sort of, ahem, a no-brainer, but it can be extremely difficult to get that nagging worry out of our heads. So the first step is to try to truly ingrain this into our minds.
Next, if that worry is proving to be particularly insidious, there are a couple of ways to shut it up as we're working to get rid of it. First, play on your existing confidence. You mention you are able to come with a combination of oral sex and manual stimulation. Work with that. Not only is combining manual stimulation with oral sex just a great general oral sex tip, but in pretty much all situations, we feel more confident doing something when we've done it before. Outside the bedroom, take a moment to talk with your partner and recall the techniques you used last time you came from oral sex. Try to replicate that exact pressure, that exact speed. If it's a little different, no big deal. But just entering the bedroom with the mindset that you've been here before and it rocked your socks off might make a big difference.
Second, in addition to combining the two types of stimulation you know you enjoy, work more types of stimulation into the equation. Try a 69 position so you can see, taste and smell how delicious your partner is while she performs oral sex on you. Or just try a different position, period. See how you like the addition of a small butt plug. If you've already got a butt plug, see how you like a vibrating one. Turn on your favorite sexy movie or porn in the background, or make a Blow Jamz playlist on your iPod. Make eye contact with your partner, or close your eyes and pull up your favorite fantasy.
And speaking of fantasizing, my final suggestion is to turn the blowjob itself into a sexy fantasy. When you're masturbating, fantasize about oral sex. Think about your partner's warm, wet mouth. Picture her eyes glancing up at you as her lips slide all the way down your cock. Keep your fantasy going as you come closer and closer to orgasm until finally ""she"" makes you come with her mouth. When oral sex (or any other type of stimulation) becomes a toe-curling desire, instead of a worrisome challenge, it's much easier to relax and get lost in the sensations.
Best of luck, LIBHI, and a million thanks for sending in your question. Unfortunately, I don't have any ""First Question of the Semester"" prizes, but I hope my appreciation and your ejaculation will be reward enough.
Erica is a first-year med student on the verge of losing her marbles. Your most pressing sex questions help remind her that there is life outside of Ebling Library. Send a reminder to her at sex@dailycardinal.com.
