Most college students who survived Freakfest this year in Madison are lucky enough to say that they have since recovered completely from the night's horrific mistakes and binges within one to two days. However, for 22-year-old Will Rollins, the luxury of leading a normal life has not been even a slight possibility for over two weeks. Well into November, Rollins is still hungover from Halloween, and not even the hottest shower can wash off the stains of his decisions from that night.
""Please get out of my room,"" Rollins says of the night. ""No, seriously dude, get out of my fucking house or I'll call the cops."" Unfortunately for Rollins, the UW-River Falls senior is not actually under the jurisdiction of his own home and has no say about who comes to interview him. Since early Nov. 1, he has been under the care of his ""buddy Mark,"" an old friend from middle school who generously offered his couch post-Halloween to a severely intoxicated Rollins on the grounds that he wouldn't vomit on his things. Half a month later, Mark is just beginning to understand the extent of Rollins' night on the town.
""I thought it would be one of those,‘one-night-only-I'll-leave-before-you-wake-up,' kind of things. I was a little drunk myself and happy to help a friend out,"" Mark said, looking disdainfully at Rollins as he stuck his head in a kitchen trash can. ""Aw, come on, Will, that's stainless steel! Anyways, no one's been able to move the guy since then, and I'm running out of Pizza Rolls and patience.""
According to witnesses and Rollins himself during bouts of sleep-talking, Halloween was a shit fest for him and all those in his path. Apparently Rollins, originally from a remote town in North Dakota, had heard rumors about Freakfest during his years in River Falls, Wisc., and had been planning the pilgrimage throughout most of college. Dressed as a banana, the same costume that is now barely decipherable on his dehydrated body, he drove down to Madison with a few friends who immediately abandoned him.
That's when things got ugly.
""All of the sudden, I see this giant phallus on a police horse,"" says UW-Madison junior Amy F. ""I was like, I know the cops can be dicks on Halloween, but this is seriously messed up."" Somehow, a buzzed Rollins had managed to mount a police horse and gallop for a few yards before jumping off. Luckily for Rollins, he was able to escape the pursuit of the police by disappearing into a crowd of staggering sophomores reminiscing about Third Eye Blind's ""glory days"" before the concert started.
Two minutes after the getaway, Rollins was spotted by passersby on the second story of Parthenon Gyros, gyrating against a plaster Greek column.
No one is certain just how much Rollins drank throughout the course of the night, but at least seven students have come forward saying that a banana covered in blue paint, wig hair, beer and glitter briefly attended their parties and was kicked out of every single one.
""As soon as I saw [Rollins], I deduced by the half-empty bottle of Everclear in his hand that he was probably ready to leave,"" says an anonymous UW-Madison senior. ""He also tried to get with my girlfriend ... while we were making out alone in my room. So, with the help of my friends, we kicked that giant condom out of my house and into the street.""
At least two hours of Rollins' Halloween night went uncharted by witnesses, and the police are hoping to question him when he can finally open his eyes completely. He is the prime suspect for at least six more offenses during the night, including a complaint from a woman that a half-eaten fruit had solicited her to purchase his virginity for 10 minutes, as well as a call from a concerned partygoer that a ""cucumber thing"" was urinating from a window on the sixth floor of Sellery Hall.
Before blacking out on Mark's couch, the only coherent statement that Rollins made was that he ""can't wait for Mifflin.""
If you were witness to any of Rollins' debauchery throughout the night, please report to VP at evanpay@wisc.edu.
