Congratulations, you survived Halloween!
You battled the crowds of State Street zombies, Michael Jacksons and slutty cops, the wind chill and 30-degree I-feel-like-I'm-dying"" weather, and the food vendors that tempt you with their irresistible yet unrecognizable will-I live-after-this-cuisine.
And now, here you are on Monday, November 2, alive.
Well done!
Although Halloween has passed, many find it hard to shake the mysticism, mischief and costumed personas of the night(s) before. For days, even weeks, after the holiday, some students suffer from an unclassified, unscientific pseudo-illness known as ""Post-Halloween Stress Disorder"" (PHSD).
Like WWI, II and Vietnam, the effects of a holiday that is life and appearance changing as Halloween linger long after the clock strikes 12. From the moment we awake from our slumber on November 1, we are ruthlessly thrust back into our lives as college students.
No longer are we celebrities, animated cartoons, nurses, firemen or jailbirds without pants or with half our ass cheeks sticking out of tutus. Nope.
Say hello again to jeans, Wisconsin sweat shirts and piles of homework shouting, ""Do me. You haven't done me in weeks."" Dammit.
Not surprisingly, more and more students at UW-Madison are being diagnosed with PHSD on campus. According to a UHS study done about four—no, 10—minutes ago, (probably while you were sitting on your bed clutching the tattered remains of your fairy/banana costume) there has been a 45 percent surge since 2007 alone.
""It's really just crept up on us so quickly,"" said UHS Chairwoman Donna ""I-Wish-I-Was-Still-Madonna"" Slater. ""We've been flooded with emergency phone calls since 9 a.m. Sunday morning.""
Andy ""Superman-Was-My-Favorite-Costume"" Bates, UHS spokesman, was astounded by the response.
""Our psychologists haven't been this busy since Ian's Pizza ran out of mac and cheese slices for two full days last May,"" he said. ""It's unbelievable.""
However, with group therapy sessions popping up all around campus, more students feel encouraged to come forward and express their feelings with one another, helping them feel like they're not so alone.
Last night, I sat in on a therapy session at Espresso Royale (across from the Goodwill store, where many students first set eyes on their picture-perfect afro wig to complete their 1970s disco look). With pumpkin spice lattes cradled in their hands and remnants of blue eye shadow and sparkles on their faces, 12 brave students let loose, revealing their innermost fears, anxieties and desires.
Below are several testimonials. All names have been changed for confidentiality reasons.
Cassandra, Sophomore, Costume: Devil
""I've just never felt before so... liberated. So wrong, so bad, so... evil. With my pitchfork in hand, donned in my red leotard (and just my leotard) I felt like I could do anything, say anything to anyone—and I did! I finally had the guts to tell my roommate what a dirty skank she is. After I said it, I couldn't have felt better! But then, when I woke up this morning, I realized all my clothes were missing and all my money was gone. The bitch up and left and took everything I had! Will I ever feel again like I did last night?""
Thomas, Junior, Costume: Edward Cullen
""I've never had girls think I was so hot before. I mean, they were literally hanging off of me, salivating on me, kissing my neck, asking me to bite them. I was like, ""Damn, girl! I'll do more than that!"" I gave my phone number to about 40 different girls and got more calls last night than a freaking sex hotline at 2 a.m.! But today, just look at me: I'm an instant-oatmeal eating, physics failing, dorm-living loser without a girlfriend and clinging to the memory of a night long gone. I'm screwed.""
Kelsey, Senior, Costume: A Beyonce Single Lady
""For a good seven hours of drunken fun, I was single! It didn't matter that I've had a boyfriend for four years and three months. It didn't matter that he calls me six times a day and is considering naming our kids Dana and Jon. It didn't matter that he's planning our wedding for July 6 next year, the day after my birthday. Why? Because I was a freaking single lady! Last night, I got with seven different guys. But today, all I'm left with is a needy boyfriend, a couple of nameless numbers and two STDs. I WANNA DIE.""
Evidently, Halloween is a hard holiday to say farewell to. What other day of the year can Madonna and Luigi hang out in the same room and have a good time? And what other day can you actually answer two of life's most puzzling questions: ""Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?"" and ""Where's Waldo?""
Only October 31.
Are you suffering from PHSD? So am I! LIFE SUCKS. Let's drown our sorrows in some candy. E-mail me at gleicher@wisc.edu!
