With several contenders in the battle royale of french fries, comparisons are need to show those who rise into the spotlight. Those with burnt ends or soggy stature are left in the darkest corners of the basket, doomed for the alley dumpster. How, then, can one determine the titan of taters? It's all about form.
Straight-cut fries
The wild card of fries, straight-cuts span the spectrum of probabilities. Even within the same restaurant these can vary widely in appearance and quality. However, the straight-cut's diversity proves there's no one perfect route to tastiness. Whether McDonald's or Big Red's Steaks, a quality straight-cut can present itself in numerous forms, just like the way a full house or straight flush can materialize through myriad avenues. However, just as in cards, at times the river runs a little too soft and other times the flop comes up too, um, floppy.
Their thinner frame makes them the most successful when confronted with a lack of crunch. Whereas other forms require a firm shape to uphold flavor, straight-cuts can do well with a little bend. However, their inconsistency stacks the odds against them and prevents them from ever really cashing in on the pot. They're probably the most prevalent fry, but that prominence requires that they settle for mediocrity to give them the most consistent success rate.
Steak fries
Few appetizers are more appealing than potato wedges; but at the point where a wedge becomes a fry and Shakey's mojo potatoes become steak fries, the added mass can't come around fast enough to connect with the heater. It's not just the raw potato center that makes this fry a massive strikeout, but its inability to deliver on its ambitious size is a Bobby Crosby-sized bust. There's something to be said for going big or going home, but sometimes when you swing for the fences you end up on your butt after completely whiffing on the curveball.
Crinkle-cut
Often referred to as bowling fries for their prevalence in bowling alleys, crinkle-cuts mirror the risk/reward nature of their namesake. Sure, there are times when the fries come out nice and crispy and knock down all ten pins, but all too often these fries are hastily prepared with little effort and end up getting tossed in the gutter. It's easy to attribute their nickname to a purely geographical cue, but in reality the bowling moniker is probably most fitting for suggesting you're better off doing something else instead.
Waffle fries
If french fries are like football, then consider waffles fries Pittsburgh's steel-curtain defense. The webbed anatomy acts like a fishnet, trapping every bit of flavor and allowing little running room for variance. They're impressively consistent in their approach, and hold no prisoners of condiments. They rarely go for the big play, but are visibly dominant for the entire game. They hold their ground with reckless abandon while they let the meal's main course take the offensive, rendering them an almost flawless sidepiece.
Curly fries
High-flying and bounding with flavor, curly fries spring ahead of the competition. Although Arby's and Hardee's are often maligned for their ambitious menu choices, they get one thing right, and that's their choice of fries. Roast beef and veggie-loaded cheeseburgers aren't par for the fast-food course, and it's hard to argue their upper-class take on lower-class food is not best represented in curly fries. Whereas most restaurants take the high-percentage shot, curly fries embody Mike D'Antoni's ""7 Seconds or Less"" mentality. They're not afraid to launch a bunch of three-balls, but ideally they capitalize on fast-break slam dunks. Curly fries are a meal in themselves, and it takes a certain amount of audacity in the main course to attempt to top them. It's easy to see why Arby's and Hardee's are such loose cannons with their main courses, but with fries like these, who can blame them?
