Jon came down with a terrible case of face herpes this week, so his extremely sexist twin brother Joe agreed to fill in for him today.
I'm not very good at tackling serious topics in this here weekly column, but today I've decided to take on an issue very dear to my heart. For centuries, man has struggled under the oppressive rule of women, suffering unbearable discrimination, hardship and anguish. We've been denied rights, equality and fairness in the workplace and suffered blatant sexism. Well I say enough is enough. I've come to fight back against the way woman has controlled man through blatant discriminatory treatment and oppression. We shall overcome someday.
For starters, I want to clear up some blatantly untrue stereotypes that women have spread about our fair sex. The first I'd like to clear up is the belief that only men are stubborn when it comes to asking for directions. That's simply not true. I mean, look at Amelia Earhart. She was all like ""Oh, look at me, I'm a woman and I'm flying. I definitely know where I'm going."" BAM. Mountain. Poetic justice if you ask me.
Another cruel stereotype depicts men as unsympathetic, insensitive and ultimately lacking the emotional range of their female counterparts. However, I'd like to point out that men are just as sensitive and emotionally charged as women. The only difference is that men do not have tear ducts. That's just scientific fact, plain and simple. Look it up... but be sure to look it up in a book that is not biased toward the ""female-dominant"" version of history (or that of the oppressor, as I like to call it).
Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions of all relates to the female body. Women would have you believe that they invented periods. That's simply not true. Men actually invented periods and even the entire menstrual cycle, but chose to give them to women. Once again, if every history textbook weren't biased toward the female-centered retelling of past events, I wouldn't have to clear such things up in a Page 2 column in a college newspaper.
Guess it is my cross to bear.
I also always hear women complaining that men get paid more than women performing the same job. Guess what? Wrong again. Women actually get paid more than men on average in the same position, but women simply spend more of their earnings on frivolous things such as scrapbook supplies and aprons, giving the illusion that they make less money overall. Meanwhile, men such as myself are spending our hard-earned pennies and nickels on various charities, orphanages and homeless men who play kazoos for our entertainment.
Although the female brain is portrayed in most Will Ferrell comedies as being smaller than a man's brain, I will go on record to say that is not true. Women do, in fact, have larger brains, but their brains are simply full of more wasted space—space being used to contemplate about what petticoat they'll buy next, or how Kate from ""Jon and Kate Plus 8"" will get by as a single mom. At the same time, a man's brain spends most of its time trying to figure out ways to fix the problems that his wife/daughter/ex-wife has caused in a given day.
I've also got to say I'm sick of getting on a city bus and having all of the females tell me to go sit in the back because that's where ""my sex"" belongs. We're regressing into segregation practices I thought the civil rights movement sought to eliminate. In public places, there are now separate bathrooms for males and females! What is this, the south during post-Civil War Reconstruction? Are we re-instating Jim Crow laws? Can't we go back to the days when males had the right to urinate along with females in the same facilities? And don't get me started on how much nicer women's bathrooms are—couches, massage therapy, little tampon and ""feminine napkin"" dispensers... the list goes on!
Something has to be done. First, I propose some drastic rectification for all that has been done to hold man down by their oppressive counterparts. I think we should make January ""Male History Month"" so that we all can take time to honor the great accomplishments of the male sex. We should also change the name of January to Manuary to further support our oppressed sex. The month of May should also be henceforth referred to as simply ""Man."" In fact, let's just insert the word ""man"" into every month. Then MAYBE men will finally get the recognition and respect they have been missing since the dawn of womankind.
Are you appalled by the comments made by Joe Spike, Jon's twin brother who is most certainly not Jon? Tell Jon how you feel at spike@wisc.edu.
