Today, during peak Internet-usage hours at a local apartment off of University Avenue, Junior Alex Rothman came to a disturbingly apparent realization. Rothman, 20, red-faced and teeth gritted, stared irately at his Macbook-Pro screen as it struggled to muster the Wi-Fi necessary to display his Facebook Newsfeed, and suddenly realized it. ""I'm just not happy when my internet speed falls below a certain level, just the thought of a total loss of Internet connection scares me far more than global warming and North Korea combined.""
Rothman is one of many, spoiled by high-speed Internet for the majority of his upbringing, who has conceded to the stark realization of having to deal with sharing a swamped, slow internet during peak hours.
""I just don't get it, I'm happy as a lark when I can stream an online movie, but once that bastard next door starts downloading porn my bit-rate goes to hell, and I just feel all...empty inside,"" said a downtrodden looking Rothman, who is now forced to compete for Internet with surrounding apartment residents.
""My Internet is my lifeblood, what am I supposed to do without lightning speed music downloads and Facebook? Don't even get me started on how it's affected my Call of Duty career...I've dropped four ranks!"" said Rothman, struggling to plug and unplug his wireless router.
Rothman's previous girlfriend, Cheryl, 19, had a few words to share about his condition. ""It got to a point where it was hard for me to hang out with Alex. Every time I came over to study with him, and subsequently took out my laptop, he'd get really bummed out and distant. I tried to get him help but when he found out UW health services didn't have Wi-Fi he refused to peel himself away from his dark room and the third season of the Sopranos.""
When asked how Alex was able to manage his life when constrained to a habitat of only Wi-Fi hotspots, he answered with only four phrases, his eyes unmoving, transfixed on his Macbook:
""iPhone unlimited data package, online lectures, Badger Hustle, and eBay."" After hours of studying Rothman in his habitat, doctors compiled a rather complex diagram detailing this condition in a more visual manner, in an attempt to more easily interpret the data (See figure below).
Rothmans not alone in his condition, as more and more similar situations are arising all across the country. Symptoms include bruised fists from desk-slamming frustration, random violent and often dangerous outbursts during peak hours, and an overall selfish attitude toward Internet sharing, even among close friends. If you or one of your close friends is showing signs of what is now called ""Wi-Firateness,"" please contact a health professional immediately.
Victim of Wi-Firateness? Email Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu to share your story.
