In accordance with an ancient doctrine, UW-Madison sophomore Eric Witstanker, 20, evolved into a Broseph after his five-thousandth Keystone beer last Thursday night at a house party located on Lakelawn Place.
Witstanker's friends and family are shocked as well as delighted by the transformation, as most Bros typically do not reach the sage-like Broseph stage until late into their senior year, with the majority morphing their super-senior year, if at all. It is estimated that Witstanker would have had to drink an average of 13.7 Stones per night in order to evolve at an age when most Bros have not even lost their virginity yet.
Witnesses say that Witstanker was ""chilling, playing beer pong,"" when seemingly out of nowhere, a blinding white light burst through the roof of the house and knocked Witstanker to the floor. For those who did not know what was about to happen, chaos ensued.
""As soon as I saw that light, bra, I thought it was the end of the world,"" says an anonymous friend, 19, who used a fake ID in order to supply alcohol for the party, one which dates his birth to be approximately 31 years prior. ""I looked over at my older brother Rob, and he just had this look on his face like he knew shit was about to go down. That's when I realized what was happening, bra.""
For approximately a minute and a half, Witstanker, paralyzed, unconscious and gripping the five-thousandth Keystone, was thrashed violently about as his pink Ralph Lauren polo disintegrated clear off his body, only to be replaced by a t-shirt supporting Manchester United. Reportedly during this time, Witstanker's flat brim hat lifted several inches off his head and combusted, its ashes gathering to form sideburns and a mid-length unkempt haircut, a style that would be just long enough to prevent him from getting a job anywhere other than his father's office. Just as Witstanker's position became vertical, he started to spin in a circle, accelerating at such a speed that he broke the sound barrier within seconds. Witnesses say that Witstanker ceased all movement at this point and came to, finding himself slightly overweight, wearing Birkenstock sandals and holding a bottle of Rolling Rock. Witstanker then asked aloud, ""What am I doing here?"" and proceeded to leave the house party to go to Madhatters.
When asked about his evolution, Witstanker has a hard time recalling the details. ""I was already a little far gone, "" he says with a chuckle, only implying his state of mind as a wise Broseph would do, regardless of the number of shots taken or joints smoked. ""All I know is, when I came home that night, I found that I could no longer stand to listen to Dave Matthews. I mean, ‘skoo-dop-doo-diddly dop'? For jam bands, Phish is just an overall better choice.""
Since the transformation, Witstanker has greatly enjoyed his role as a Broseph, and claims to give advice to at least 15 budding Bros a day. ""It's like he knew exactly what to tell me and shit,"" says freshman Carl ""Dick"" Dicker, 18. ""I mean, don't think I'm gay for asking for help, I just went there to learn how to grow hydro. He also taught me how to respectably get loads of pussy.""
Witstanker plans to fail of out business school his junior year, take it easy for another two with intermittent road trips, and continue working for his father until the age of 26. By that time, he projects he will have enough money saved to start the barbecue business he has always dreamed of. ""I just love grilling and I don't need a certificate to prove it, man. By becoming a Broseph so young, I was able to get a head-start on what I like to call, ‘living the life,'"" said Witstanker from a lawn chair, ""...and here I am, living it up.""
Share your own amazing Broseph evolution stories with VP at evanpay@wisc.edu.
