Have you ever bought an ""ab-tronic"" off of the TV for sculpted abs, seen a hypnotherapist for a life change or considered becoming a scientologist? Then, according to a lengthy study conducted by several UW-Madison graduate students, you may be a moron.
In a correlational study conducted on several hundred UW-Madison students who were told they were being asked to participate in a study which was to uncover a link between lifestyle and obesity, data was collected on the daily activities of the eager participants. Researchers were baffled by the results. Apparently over 80 percent of participants, with a 2.3 percent margin of error, engaged in activities which, under normal circumstances, a full-fledged moron would partake in. These studies are not intended to belittle the acuity of the human race, but only to isolate those instances of mental ineptitude in order to lower future instances of unintentional idiocy.
Tim Sheraton, the lead research coordinator for the study, said the research was ""intended to show the inherent intelligence embedded in the human psyche, but actually ended up doing just the opposite."" He went on to add, ""I, like my colleagues, was assigned the job of monitoring daily activities of the participants, and after reviewing the data of a 19-year-old male, I fear for the future of the human race as a whole."" Sheraton went on to list examples of moronic tendencies in his observation. ""I saw things that even those who I would consider unintelligent people would cringe at. I watched my participant, heavily inebriated off of keg beer, walk up to local law enforcement, vomit at their feet, and then ask them for quick directions to Taco Bell to ‘refill the tank' for the night."" He was promptly laughed at, arrested and thrown in the drunk can.
It is important to note that instances of severe mental handicap were not based solely on actions while under the influence of alcohol, as even Albert Einstein struggled with relativity after a few shots of whiskey in him. In fact, the most staggering moronic actions were recorded while participants were in a sober state.
Susanne Heidelberg, a promising medical school student who handled the observation of several ""high-interest"" participants, details some of the actions she recorded. She was particularly surprised at the stupidity present in her assigned students, as she assumed you'd have to have some amount of brains to get into UW-Madison.
""I watched a 20-year old female buy three bottles of Fiji Water at three dollars each. She based her decision solely on the ‘pretty bottle' and her desire for that unique watery taste found only in the depths of a volcanic island in the Pacific."" Another of her participants was seen purchasing an anti-aging face rub, apparently under the impression that the oily cream was going to reverse cell-aging on her face.
Other instances of moronic activity included actually buying music and movies off of the Internet, using those whitening strips you get at Walgreens, an affinity for France or anything French, consuming over-priced ""organic"" foods, listening to Lil' Wayne by choice, willingly drinking Busch Light and watching more than accidental amounts of MTV on any given day.
Extended studies will be conducted outside of Madison after the unexpected results virtually baffled local researchers. It seems that current social data don't actually factor in the ""incredible lack of common sense"" engraved in the minds of everyday people. Studies will begin in Milwaukee next month with the expected results of an even higher percentage of stupidity than here in Madison.
Worried you're a moron? Find out by e-mailing Andrew at aplahr@wisc.edu.
