When you've been in a relationship for over a year, it's difficult to remember that you were once that awkward lump of nerves trying to figure out if that guy like, liked you liked you.
Did he mean to graze my arm, or was it unintentional? Or was it intentional but for some other reason than my unyielding attractiveness?
Maybe there was toilet paper stuck to my elbow from my trip to the bathroom earlier and he was just brushing it off. Or maybe he wanted to touch me to gauge our chemistry, but then I gave him a bad vibe because I was thinking about toilet paper.
But I would argue it's even weirder when you realize that if this guy is The One, you may never go through that stress and humiliation again.
Not too long ago, however, I found myself stranded in the clumsiness of a first date, regardless of my current 18- month relationship.
I had gone to see Gavin Degraw in Milwaukee with my very platonic friend Chris. We spent the first half of the night talking about our respective love lives.
While Chris told me how lucky I was to be in a trusting and committed relationship, I advised him to sleep with as many girls as possible and to tell me about it as soon as it was over.
With my wilder friends having fled the state for job opportunities, and my remaining friends plagued with self-esteem and dignity, I was seriously lacking on my gossip influx.
But soon after the music started, Chris' brother, who had driven up from Chicago with his live-in girlfriend for the concert, called him to meet up.
As soon as he saw his brother and his girlfriend approaching, Chris leapt from the bleachers to give him a hug. If we were dating, I probably would've joined their conversation on the floor, but decided on a friendly wave.
A couple minutes later, Chris hopped back onto the bleachers next to me.
You wanna hear something funny?"" he asked. ""My brother thought we were here together. Like together, together.""
""That's hysterical! What did you tell him?""
""I told him we weren't together. But that I wanted to be.""
""What? Why?"" I asked.
Chris gave me a look to imply that he was seriously questioning my intelligence.
""I thought about telling him the truth,"" he said. ""But it just makes things so much more entertaining this way.""
Was I so boring to be around that my concert companion had to resort to faux romance just to get through one outing with me?
But I never got a chance to clarify my fun factor because I saw his brother walking back to us, followed by his girlfriend who was carrying two beers.
""Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you they bought you a beer,"" Chris told me. ""Thought it would help me get laid.""
Before I had a chance to respond, his brother's girlfriend threw her arm around my shoulders and pulled me away from the boys.
""Enjoy!"" she said, handing me a beer. ""Isn't Chris great? I mean he is sooo smart and sooo cute!""
She stared at me, waiting for my response. I looked back at Chris, who raised an eyebrow at me, warning me not to screw this up. Then I took a sip of my free beer.
""Yeah, he's, like, so awesome,"" I giggled.
The funny thing about the whole situation is how unattractive Chris lets me know he thinks I am.
""My brother and his girlfriend said you were really pretty,"" he told me on the bus ride back to Madison.
""Aww, thanks!""
""I didn't say it,"" he said, rolling his eyes.
A few weeks later, Chris told me he finally set his brother straight.
""Does that mean no more free drinks?"" I whined.
""Duh,"" he said. ""That pretty much ended when you didn't put out. By the way, you have toilet paper stuck to your arm.""
If you need a pretend girlfriend, e-mail Kiera at wiatrak@wisc.edu, or just call an escort service.
