As the semester comes to a close, now is the time we are forced to reflect on what we've learned in the past year - or at least find a way to bullshit the essays we'll have to write come exam week. But before we all go lock ourselves in the stacks at Memorial Library, with little more than our books, caffeine pills and illegally obtained study drugs, we have to remember that there's more to life than memorizing algorithms, scribbling terms on flash cards and writing research papers - there's the things we discover in between learning - real life lessons.
To help those moving on from our great university and moving into the real world (their parent's basements), I consulted some recent UW graduates, the Cardinal's most successful alumni and college dropouts (my mother) for their advice on how to make it in the post-collegiate world, where wearing sweatpants on a daily basis, eating pizza three times a day and updating Facebook compulsively is, for some reason, not wholeheartedly accepted.
Laura Kalinowski '07, (finance reporter, gold digger, professional applicant to every stable job on Career.com)
- Make sure you shake your caffeine dependence before you get a kidney infection. I assumed I would have to curb my drinking after college to stay healthy. What I didn't realize is that it was my addiction to coffee, Red Bull and Diet Coke that would get me in the end. Apparently it's not healthy to drink a 12-pack of soda every morning. Who knew I'd have to pass five kidney stones?
- Hit on the finance boys. College athletes? Frat boys? They are sooo last year. Where it's at post-college is any male in his 20s who works in finance. These previously shunned math geeks have blossomed into sexy, financially stable studs. You have an IRA? Can we make love on the statement?
Gina Spencer, (overbearing mother with raging PMS who went to college for less than a week, left because of mono and never went back).
- Work with kids for a year so you realize you can put off that whole mommy thing"" for a couple of years.
Note to Mom: Seriously? Since when have you done the mommy thing? If by ""mommy thing"" you mean drink cosmos after work, buy skinny jeans and smoke cigarettes with your friends in the backyard pool, you've done a stellar job.
Laura Claire Corson '07, (humanitarian, celiac, African storyteller)
- Go to Africa and get a staph infection and malaria ... that'll put college BS in perspective. Then, send pictures of your skin damage to elicit sympathy and care packages from your family and friends back home.
Anna Rose Vazzano, (Ashley's mother's mother, who won't let anyone in her family call her the G-word. It makes her feel old, more conscious of her wrinkles and forget to take her medications).
- You've got to be strong and get what you want. When someone gives you a disapproving glare, ignore it. I do that all the time at the Chinese restaurant when I send my soup back because it's not hot enough and Ashley gets embarrassed and frowns.
Emily Winter '06, (36-25-34)
- oConvince your parents not to revoke the ""Emergency Credit Card."" That loss has been the great tragedy of my life.
- If you abandon all your collegiate ideals, you will have nothing to talk about at posh adult dinner parties. If you adhere to all of your collegiate ideals, you will be unable to afford the kinds of friends who throw posh adult dinner parties.
- Find ways to over-represent your breasts and under-represent arm flab.
- Stop fucking around. You know what I mean.
If you have any life advice for Ashley, e-mail aaspencer@wisc.edu. She needs all the help she can get.
