According to numerous sources, preliminary lab test results have connected the DNA of Hall of Fame wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee Lynn Swann with former Badgers wide receiver Luke Swan.
The initial report from the Associated Press said the investigation into the Swan/Swann biological connection began with loose speculations concerning Swan's eerily similar playing ability to the NFL All-Pro - most notably his uncanny field awareness and the ability to catch passes in traffic.
According to ABC Television records, Swann and the Monday Night Football crew made a pit stop in Swan's hometown of Fennimore, Wis., en route to a football game in Dallas Christmas weekend of 1983. Considering the normal nine-month human gestation period, Swan, who was born on Sept. 5, 1984, in all likelihood was conceived during the time period Swann was visiting the town.
What the fuck is everyone talking about?"" a very distressed Swan said after learning of the rumor. ""I mean, I was fine when this stuff started off as playful blog banter, kind of flattered by the whole thing actually. But now I'm starting to believe these fucking guys and it's tearing my family apart.""
Swann has yet to deny accusations of the connection, saying in a Feb. 27 report in the Philadelphia Inquirer that the early years after his playing career were an ""experimental time."" ""Let me put it this way: I planted more seeds in one week in 1983 than Greenpeace did the entire decade,"" Swann said. ""I had a running total going with 'Mean' Joe Green, and last I checked, that fatass couldn't even stand in the same room with me on that subject.""
Swan held a teleconference the following week with multiple news outlets, including The Daily Cardinal, to discuss Swann's comments. Swan said Swann's response to the accusations was ""heartless"" and not something he would expect from a ""father-to-be.""
""Look, I can't dispute the fact that Lynn was hot stuff as a sideline reporter, that's completely out of my jurisdiction,"" Swan said. ""But any respect I had for the man just flew out the window. 'More seeds than Greenpeace?' Who does this guy think he is, Rico Suave or some shit?""
The bevy of accusations prompted a scientific investigation squad called ""Luke: Who is your father?"" to assemble and take action. Joyce Maddock, chief investigative scientist for ""Luke:,"" said the project had a few bumps in the road early on, but she was pleased with the results.
""Take away all of the major physical characteristics - height, weight, body composition, posture, voice, the ability to grow facial hair, skin color - and they're basically the same person,"" Maddock said. ""True, this project was founded on the basis of an absurd inside joke, but seeing this sort of evidence is enough to make me a believer.""
While the results are still inconclusive, Swan said he's ready to start believing the accusations. ""I mean, fine, we might be related. But I did find it strange they required seven stool samples to run the DNA test,"" Swan said.
