Let's face it. If you're reading this, you're probably not expecting to read about the United States' foreign policy, a better understanding of quantum physics or find stock tips. Odds are you think waterboarding is some sort of awesome extreme sport (or sex position), you spend most of your time contemplating the shape of your belly button and you can barely even read, let alone grasp the aforementioned concepts.
But still, there is a reason that all six of my readers keep coming back and that, my dear friends, is because I embarrass myself weekly with the aim to give you some sort of new look on life, make you laugh or just make you glad that you're not me.
This week, because I believe in sacrificing myself for the greater good of journalism (and since my friends have nagged me), I am giving them their one shining moment, albeit with the worst stories I can possibly recall.
We'll start with this weekend at the Karaoke Kid, a place where I frequently embarrass myself with my famous rendition of I Touch Myself."" My friends and I were waiting for our turn to sing and were getting bored, so we plotted ways we could entertain ourselves. The result: We lured a drunk 40-year-old woman named Barb wearing a neon-orange top away from her mom friends (wearing fannie packs) and into the arms of Jonah, one of my guy friends, whose sole goal (for the sake of 20 dollars) was to give her a wet, juicy, lingering tongue kiss.
It was the grossest thing I'd ever seen.
Even sicker is that Jonah's ex-girlfriend was seated next to him and later admitted to me that she was vaguely turned on by the reverse- pedophile event taking place beside her. She snapped pictures eagerly and tagged them on Facebook before she went to bed.
That night, Jonah took us all out for gyros to celebrate his triumph. Needless to say, he ended up down $2.23.
As you might have guessed, alcohol may have played a factor in this incident. Here are some other things my friends have done after a night of drinking. My skinny friend came home from a night at the bars starving. She was craving a hamburger and though she had a pound of beef in the fridge, she didn't have the will to wait to cook it. So she ate nearly a pound of beef - raw. What I don't understand is how she didn't have to sit on her toilet with a garbage bag under her chin to catch the massive amounts of diarrhea or profuse vomiting that might be caused by eating raw meat. Instead, she felt fine and made it a ritual.
Another friend of mine peed in her laundry hamper and didn't remember until the next day after she dug through her pile of laundry in search of a pair of leggings. Needless to say, she was pissed.
In the same sort of classy fashion, my roommate decided that running around the hallways of LaCiel in her birthday suit might help her burn off the 48 Jell-O shots she had taken earlier that night when she was pre-gaming.
Not all my friends do stupid things when they drink; others do stupid things when they're in love.
My neighbor recently admitted to me that the reason her phone broke last week was because she dropped it on the kitchen floor - while she was having phone sex. Suddenly it made sense: No wonder she ran over visibly sweating through her sexiest pajamas, begging to use my phone and clenching what I mistook for a Sharper Image massage wand.
While you might read the above incidents and think it's cruel to expose my friends, I beg to differ. We all do stupid things - and it's OK, as long as we learn and one day laugh at them. Just try not to laugh too hard - you might just pee in your hamper.
If you'd like to share your most embarrassing moment with Ashley, e-mail her at aaspencer@wisc.edu.
