In response to UW-Madison's increasingly demanding admission standards, Chancellor John Wiley announced Monday what he called a long overdue"" update to the popular gameday song ""If You Want to be a Badger.""
""If you want to be a Badger, just come along with me, by the bright shining light of the moon?"" Wiley scoffed at his press conference. ""Please. Get real.""
Wiley said as more students apply to the university every year, it is imperative that popular school songs remain up to date with the inevitable elevation of UW's standards.
""We wanted to change the lyrics to give students a better idea of their chance for acceptance,"" Wiley said. ""Something more along the lines of other popular gameday songs - for example, Bon Jovi's 'Livin on a Prayer.'""
According to Wiley, university officials decided after much debate to merely amend the second part of the song's course.
""We finally decided on, 'If you want to be a Badger, just come along with me, score a 35 on your ACT and finish high school with at least a 6.7 GPA,"" Wiley said. ""It's honest, it's specific, and you have to admit - it's kinda catchy.""
Dean of Students Lori Berquam said she agreed with the change. She argued the song's previous version limited students by suggesting they follow the moon's light instead of shooting for the moon itself.
""We have a little saying around here,"" Berquam said. ""Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the lesser UW System universities.""
Berquam said in addition to being inaccurate, the original song made fans look ""flat-out stupid."" A study recently conducted by the admissions office found that, on a given Saturday gamed ay at Camp Randall, only one-in-three fans in the student section can perform the arm motions that accompany the song.
""Fans always get the first part right, but most get confused when the 'bright shining light of, the light of the moon' part comes up,"" Berquam said. ""According to our study, 40 percent of students were premature in beckoning with their arms at that part.""
This made the entire student body look like ""a bunch of drunk idiots,"" according to Berquam. She said that when they all sat down, university officials agreed the new version needed to be on level with the average UW-Madison student - not just the select few who enjoy drinking before sporting events, incoherently shouting at no one in particular during games, and vomiting on stadium security guards afterward.
