Spring rains canceled the annual Daily Cardinal-Badger Herald softball game last week, but the two teams will meet at Vilas Park Friday with beer and bragging rights up for grabs.
Although many at the Cardinal did not want to cancel the game, the torrential downpours gave Herald sport editor Tyler Mason more time to configure his lineup. Nevertheless, when an undercover Cardinal reporter interviewed Mason at The Crave, he still seemed perplexed.
I don't know what I'm going to do,"" said Mason as he nervously sipped his Choco-tini. ""There's so much space out in the field. Usually I'd just put down two or three huge pull quotes and see what happens. But somebody told me it's against the rules.""
Mason also seemed disheartened that the Herald's star reporter and photographer, Associated Press, would not be able to attend Friday's game.
""He just means so much to this paper,"" Mason said. ""Without him, everything seems empty.""
Mason added that he would consider placing a 500-square foot photo in the outfield to ""cover some ground.""
""Hey, if it can work in the paper, why not try it for the game?"" he questioned.
During a press conference Tuesday, the Herald's usually subdued sports content editor Mike Ackerstein fired a torrent of profanity at the media, calling them ""a bunch of [censored] faces with nothing better to do than blog about his [censored] team.""
""I got parents calling me saying they read their [censored] son chipped a nail while typing a [censored] article,"" Ackerstein yelled. ""From now on, nobody reports about any [censored] injuries until I [censored] tell them to. Is that mother [censored] clear? You dumb pieces of [censored]. I'll see you all in hell.""
At the Cardinal, sports editor Nate Carey has been his typical ornery self while preparing his team for the game.
The evil mastermind's conditioning techniques have included running sprints up Bascom Hill, dodging oncoming traffic on University Avenue and swimming ""exercises"" in the frigid waters of Lake Mendota.
""I just want everyone to BE COOL,"" Carey said, doing his best Samuel L. Jackson impersonation. ""Besides, if they can't tread water for three hours, how can I expect them to field a ground ball? Hypothermia or not, we're in this together.""
After making a sensational diving catch in last season's Cardinal victory, DC sports columnist Adam Hoge revealed the secret to his success.
""I do it for the ladies,"" Hoge said. ""You talk all you want about bragging rights and pride and all that B.S. I play for the ladies. And watch when the game's over, all the ladies are going to want to go home with the Hogey Bear.
