It's two minutes before the show starts, and we have Jack Nicholson reaction shot number one of the rnight. To me, Nicholson still looks like a manatee.
8:00: Considering Regis Philbin showed us all of the extras for Enchanted's"" ""That's How You Know"" song and dance number during the preshow, ""Enchanted's"" first musical number is only Amy Adams and a spotlight. Apparently, the Walt Disney Company is also late on this month's rent for Walt's cryogenic freezer.
8:06: Since when did The Rock change his name to ""Dwayne Johnson""? What a ridiculous name...
8:14: We're subjected to montage No. 2 - clearly the contingency plan in case they couldn't resolve the writers' strike.
8:18: Does anyone expect Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in ""Charlie Wilson's War"" to give Chris Farley's ""Down by the River"" monologue besides me? (""I can go and depose the leader, then take him to my van DOWN BY THE RIVER!"")
8:33: Amid my Oscar watching, I forgot that my Chicago Bulls are playing a national game on ESPN! CURSE YOU, CRUEL HAND OF FATE! Good thing I can change the channel during all of these montages.
8:43: Apparently, Jessica Alba hosted the Academy's Technical Awards. The greatest reward any AV nerd could hope for: some personal time with Jessica Alba.
8:47: Mark Twain once said, ""A great impromptu speech takes two weeks to write."" The Coen Brothers just proved his point. For writing the best adapted screenplay, they sure didn't put together a coherent acceptance speech.
8:53: Miley Cyrus sighting No. 3 of the night. Bless you, ABC, you magnificent, self-promoting bastards!
9:01: Jonah Hill: ""I give off a Halle Berry vibe."" If he gives off that vibe, I've spent a lot of wasted nights trying to improve my look ...
9:08: Marion Cotillard wins for ""La Vie En Rose."" Let it be known far and wide: Anyone who portrays a troubled musician is automatically the front-runner for an Oscar.
9:20: ""Once"" star Glen Hansard + 15 years = Dr. Gregory House.
9:22: Jack Nicholson appearance No. 7. He's officially just been shown more today than at the last Lakers home game.
9:24: A montage of all 79 ""Best Picture"" winners. Oy. The montage tally's at seven - we're closing in on double digits!
9:43: The ""Best Foreign Language"" Oscar is a non-factor this year because ""Persepolis,"" ""The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"" and Cannes Festival Winner ""4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days"" aren't in the running. There's something very wrong with this category's nomination process.
9:58: Cameron Diaz looks awful and she couldn't pronounce ""cinematography."" Her life must be pretty sweet: show up to a set, look pretty, approximate your lines and go home several million dollars - or in this case, a gift basket - richer.
10:02: ""In Memorium"" montage - was it just me, or did it not include Brad Renfro? Was it intentional, seeing as he overdosed on cocaine?
10:24: Diablo Cody wins for ""Best Original Screenplay."" Suck it, ""Juno"" haters! Apparently, something made the film worth seeing. Cody used to be a stripper; now she's Hollywood's newest writing talent. Maybe she'll write an autobiographical screenplay: nawww - it'd be too unrealistic.
10:33: Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor. Yawn! I'm more impressed that we've gone three hours without a single milkshake joke.
10:39: Best Director montage, No. 10 overall. No wonder the writers didn't feel pressured with 11 days to prepare for the show.
10:45: ""No Country"" wins best picture. Like I said it would, and I had four of my Daily Cardinal colleagues tell me I was an idiot for saying so. I am so smart! S-M-R-T!
The show's over, and I'm going through Jack Nicholson reaction shot withdrawal. I'm off to watch ""Batman.""
If you have any pictures of Jack Nicholson Brad could borrow for consolation, e-mail him at boron@wisc.edu.
