One of the most pressing problems facing upperclassmen today - along with graduating, procuring basketball tickets and finding a job - is the issue of bar strategy. Sure, previous generations have refined and revised the subtle and often beautiful art of the drunken hookup, but with the passing of time comes the necessity for new strategies, advice and ideas.
Or maybe it's just a time-honored tradition to make jokes about how men are dumb and women are crazy.
*Guide to women:*
If she smiles at her friend while inclining her head in your direction from across the room: Either she likes you, or she's notifying her friend of creepy guy staring at her from across the room. Failure to distinguish between these two scenarios is the number one cause of divorce in America.
Woman claims she's just here for the dancing and is wearing pants: She's just here for the dancing, so lay off a bit. No, seriously, she doesn't want your arm around her and she probably doesn't want your weapon of mass impregnation near her fertile crescent.
Woman claims she's just here for the dancing and is wearing a miniskirt: She totally wants on you, but wants to pretend she's classy. There is nothing classier than exposing your Hello Kitty thong to complete strangers.
Woman dances with you from a distance, often turning to gesture wildly to her friends: Not into you, but you're probably too drunk to notice or care. If you don't have enough sense left to back off, make sure you have a decent lawyer.
Woman shrugs half-heartedly while moving her hips in the counter-clockwise direction: She's just had a pretty bad breakup, but she's trying to move on and would like to woo you as a rebound, dumping her emotional problems on you while withholding sex until you finally say I love you."" Also, she's probably terrible in bed. Counter-clockwise? Come on! When you can't stand her any more and are ready to dump her, make sure you have a decent lawyer.
Woman proudly displays her wide selection of brand-name clothing: She's a spoiled brat. This might not be a bad thing, depending on your preferences and income. Watch out for excessive whining, expensive tastes, and overprotective fathers. Make sure you have a decent lawyer.
Woman says she wants to sleep with you, is naked and has signed a notarized sexual consent form: You've discovered gold, my friend. Go forth and take her in a manly fashion.
*Guide to men:*
Man winks at you: He likes you, and wants to sleep with you.
Man jabs his buddy in the ribs, sneers with a three-quarter turn, and genuflects to the heavens: He likes you, and wants to sleep with you.
Man says he likes you and wants to sleep with you: He likes you and wants to sleep with you.
Man winks in your direction, licks upper lip and adjusts porn star mustache: He likes you, and wants to sleep with you and maybe another chick at the same time.
Man tells you that he's just here for the dancing and is wearing pants: He likes you, and wants to sleep with you.
Man tells you that he's just here for the dancing and is wearing a miniskirt: You're in the wrong bar.
Keaton hopes his advice will prove useful and not too trite. The way he's typing this column indicates that he likes you, and wants to sleep with you. Talk to him about your body language at keatonmiller@wisc.edu_
