There's something fishy going on in Hollywood these days. Fishy, as if a bunch of fish-eating birds were ascending to the highest ranks of the film industry—in single file. The penguins are invading. Yes, penguins. And they make Danny DeVito's villainous penguin look like Chilly Willy.
No one saw it coming. People laughed and cried with ""March of the Penguins"" as it won the Oscar for Best Documentary in 2006. Did anyone suspect that this was simply the advance guard for what was to come?
I first became aware of the impending crisis last November. The world was eagerly anticipating the arrival of Daniel Craig's James Bond in ""Casino Royale."" Opening the same day was a film called ""Happy Feet,"" which somehow combined a tap-dancing penguin ridiculed because he can't sing with environmental moralizing. Now why would anyone want to bother with a single-threat penguin—he can't sing and if you saw the film you know he can't act either—instead of the world's greatest super-spy?
But somehow the penguins beat Bond by almost $1.5 million opening weekend. The penguins paced the Bond film, never allowing ""Bond... James Bond"" to finish ahead of ""Happy Feet.""
Even that was not enough for the blood-thirsty water birds. They took their campaign to the Oscars, stealing the award for Best Animated Feature away from the more deserving ""Cars"" and ""Monster House."" How predictable; the global-warming-fearing penguins sabotage the global-warming racecars and a scary house (which probably wasn't energy efficient). Maybe if ""Cars'"" Lightning McQueen was a hybrid those birds would've been stopped in their web-footed tracks.
But that was still not enough to satiate their Machiavellian appetites. Just as ""Casino Royale"" became the first-ever high-definition DVD to reach the top 10 for a week in DVD sales, it hit another roadblock. Sony recalled thousands of copies of ""Casino Royale"" and ""The Pursuit of Happyness,"" which—SHOCK!—were trailing ""Happy Feet"" on DVD sales and rental charts, but gaining ground quickly. Maybe it was revenge for Bond's beatdown of ""Happy Feet"" in the world-wide box office. Maybe it was because both ""Happyness"" and ""Casino Royale"" had better per-screen incomes during their theatrical runs. Or maybe it was just because the penguins were bored and felt like sabotaging rather than dancing.
This is just the tip of the penguin-bearing iceberg (which if we had any sense at all we'd continue melting with our Hummers and coal-burning ovens). Another CGI movie about penguins, entitled ""Surf's Up,"" is set to be released this summer. Which one is it, penguins? Do you want to keep your precious arctic comfortably cold or do you want the North Pole to be Maui North? Either way, if I were George Clooney and the cast of ""Ocean's 13,"" opening the same day as ""Surf's Up,"" I'd be wary of anyone wearing a tuxedo.
Clearly this pro-penguin agenda will not stop until there is a clear victor. One would think this would be an easy battle, but so far the penguins have taken down James Bond, Will Smith, Pixar, Sony Pictures and the Academy of Arts and Sciences. They've beaten corporations ... what chance does humanity have if they decide they want New York City or Disneyland next?
One thing has been made clear by this penguin cinematic coup. There's no stopping them. All we can do is take cover and hope these penguins eventually march off to greener pastures ... which, I guess, if ""Surf's Up"" is prescient, will be the Artic Circle in about 10 years.
