No one actually says things like, ""Hey, hot stuff, you must be tired because you've been runnin' through my mind all day,"" except for in the movies. But I've reached the point where something like that would be borderline charming in comparison to usual collegiate encounters. Let's face it—there are some sketchy characters in this town.
Schmucks have knocked drinks out of my hand and onto my shirt, then hauled me over to buy me a new one only to immediately vanish within the crowd behind them. The regulars, ages 45 and up, of The Pub never fail to sit in the window to greet me and anyone else walking by in a form that makes me throw up in my mouth a little. A man outside Taco Bell once promised me things I never want promised to me. And after I told him that, he wandered into TB to repeat his words to the next unfortunate victim.
These encounters have brought me to do one thing if conversation cannot be avoided, and that is to lie—lie my ass off.
Please don't confuse my concern for cockiness or the misconception I find myself incredibly alluring. I'm well aware that if I had 13 fingers, a snaggle tooth and wore a Big Bird suit out on a Saturday night, the results would be comparable with the flies I attract. It's also not just a girl-to-guy issue. It can be vice versa, guy-to-guy and probably girl to girl for that matter.
There are a few kinds of lies most frequently used when these desperate situations arise.
Probably the most common is, ""Sorry, I'm already here with my [boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever]."" A real or fictional significant other is a pretty reliable escape—unless the party replies with, ""...and?"" In that case, just back away slowly.
Or maybe, ""Actually I have a [boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever that conflicts with the other's expectation]"" will be a little more effective. The infamous gay (or straight) card may get you a surprised look if the individual is somewhat familiar with you, but generally works even if the other knows it's false. If they have a smidge of pride, they'll back off. It basically translates to, ""Don't take it personally, I'm just not in to your entire gender.""
Ladies, don't pretend you've never grabbed a nearby female friend in order to dodge a creeper. If you do, the only person you're lying to is yourself. However, this often just results in ""Oh yeah? That's hot, can I see you make out?""
Maybe the entire conversation can be avoided because hey, you don't speak English and therefore cannot converse all together. ""Lo siento, pero yo no hablo ingles y no comprendo,"" or ""Je suis dAcsole, je parle justement franA§ais,"" may suffice. But thanks to the legendary Natasha of ""American Pie,"" the whole hot foreign exchange student thing has become a college student's fantasy—backfiring is a major possibility.
My fourth and last suggestion should only be used in case of emergency—girls, basically, just pretend you're a dude. Guys, start batting the lashes. If someone asks for your name, alter it with masculinity or femininity, depending on the situation. Exampe: I am no longer Julia, I only go by Julio. Make sure to include some gruffness or adorability in your voice too.
None of these methods are foolproof, but if you're in an outgoing mood and need a scapegoat, I suggest testing one.
And me? I don't make a habit of lying, but if you're one of the few who've encountered it, I sometimes go by my middle name Jason. Also, Czech happens to be my first language, so I frequently get my words mixed up. And yes, my recent breakup with my ex Glenda was quite rough.
Have any other methods of avoidance to share? E-mail Julia at shiplett@wisc.edu.
