Four middle-aged, wannabe bikers, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy and John Travolta, embark on a cross-country journey with no particular plan. In fact, the tagline for the film is ""a lot can happen on the road to nowhere."" It should actually be ""road to nowhere."" Half the film is comprised of montage sequences of b-roll, filler in which the foursome cruise down the highway to the tune of Foghat's ""Slow Ride"" and then periodically stop to urinate on the side of the road. The other half of the film is equally unbearable.
The lighthearted, family fun beginning quickly delineates to inappropriate, senseless and embarrassing attempts at comedy. The introductions for each character are mildly entertaining at best, but the humor quickly runs out of gas, leaving you stranded on the side of the road for the remaining 95 minutes of the film. Indeed, the most disturbing element of the film is the pathetic attempt to pass off tired, failed and recycled situational comedy routines as actual satire.
The movie is like a joke your five-year-old sister tries to tell you; she stutters through it, gets distracted in the middle of it, takes forever to get to the punch line and ultimately doesn't make much sense. Fittingly, most of the humor is pandering to an elementary level audience. There are poop jokes, homosexual-panic humor, andat one point Travolta threatens to beat up Macy for smelling his hair while riding ""bitch"" on the motorcycle. Perhaps the most pathetic stab at making the audience laugh is the reoccurring theme of Macy struggling to stay on his bike as he is continuously knocked off his ""hog"" by running into various objects. Is it really necessary to make William H. Macy look like more of a loser than he already does?
But it doesn't stop there, as ""Wild Hogs"" continues in a mind-numbingly horrific manner to get much worse. They pull out all the stops including: a flamboyant gay cop that stalks the guys, Kyle Gass singing Pussy Cat Doll's ""Don't Cha"" karaoke, unnecessary explosions, Martin Lawrence squirting ketchup and mustard in the face of the rival biker gang members, Tim Allen chugging gravy and eating an entire stick of butter. Does any of this sound funny? Even the cheesy cameo of Peter Fonda, the original ""Easy Rider"" couldn't save the film from crashing and burning.
When you look beyond the raunchy humor, the plot points and character motivations don't even make sense and are just as unforgivable. The ""darkest moment"" comes out of nowhere; all of a sudden furious with each other for some unknown reasons, they have an ephemeral falling out and almost turn around and head back to Cincinnati. The love story subplot between Macy and Marisa Tomei made about as much sense as Macy being cast for the role of a badass biker. The movie ends with minimal-to-no resolution, leaving you with more unresolved loose ends than a David Lynch film as the gang winds up reaching their destination of California, but then the movie abruptly ends with no explanation or semblance of an idea of what happens to any of the four. Usually vague endings open the door to sequels. Let's hope Hollywood closes the proverbial door, loses the key and never utters a word about the prospect of a ""Wild Hogs 2,"" which would probably include the additional casting of John Goodman and Kevin Bacon.
The film has no redeeming qualities. The acting was lack luster, and they don't sell you on the idea that they are best buds for life. Instead, they went for the realism approach and were surprisingly convincing as four guys being paid millions of dollars to deliver poorly written lines in a lame movie.
Is it more astounding that the film is the No. 1 movie in America, or that it was actually green lighted in the first place? It would be hard to imagine a lamer concept for a film. But what can be expected from a collaborative effort of Walt Becker, the genius mind behind ""Van Wilder,"" Tim Allen of ""Santa Clause 3 (The Escape Clause),"" and TV writer Brad Copeland of ""My Name is Earl."" Everything from the acting, dialogue and subplots to the editing and writing is half-hearted, contrived and just down right terrible. The movie actually makes ""Norbit"" look worthy of an Oscar nod. And just in case you are wondering, Star Cinema won't refund your ticket.
