Many people wonder why I got into journalism. They think with my patent good looks and penchant for one-liners, I should have become a secret agent or carny of some sort.
While those career options remain extremely viable, a recent trip to the doctor's office reminded me of why I got into the journalism game—Highlights for Children.
For those who never got to read Highlights magazine, I certainly feel sorry for you. Not only were the issues a monthly dose of joy and splendor, but it also signifies that you've never been to a doctor's office. This might sound good to people who hate doctors, but it also means these people will die of bubonic plague, which is not good.
I don't want to work at Highlights because of some do-gooderism or for a love of children. No, I want to work there to take it down from the inside. I don't hate Highlights, I just know it will give me something to do.
My plan is simple enough.
1. Attend a college with a respected journalism program (check!)
2. Apply to Highlights (like a modern day Goofus, they have online applications ... check!)
3. Act as a sleeper cell within the business, slowly working my way up the ladder—mail room, to letter responder, to joke-thinker-upper (why don't airlines allow dogs to fly on their planes?—because they don't wanna have to keep giving out frequent ""woof"" miles)
4. Eventually get put in charge of something noteworthy and convert the magazine from Highlights for Children to Highlights for Children for Adults while nobody is looking.
5. Gloat with smarmy glee.
By adding on the ""For Adults"" moniker, I'll drastically change the format of the magazine to a version children-adults can truly enjoy.
Hidden Pictures
""In this picture of a flower, can you find: A vial of crack, strip of LCD paper, hit of E, marijuana leaf, a kitten, 12 pellets of mescaline and a jug of moonshine?"" The Hidden Pictures section in the original Highlights featured things children should avoid, like carrots and old people, and this section will be updated so children-adults can avoid drugs, which are bad for them.
Polly the Prostitute's Greatest Day (Image Story)
It's hard to read, especially for children-adults. The image story always helped me plod through a boring narrative by placing helpful pictures next to the text. A sample excerpt: Polly's John J decided he didn't want to pay her, so he placed a ridiculously outdated 1800s-style bomb [M] on her and ran away. When Polly's Pimp, the non-smoking anti-pirate spider [z#!] heard about this, he got so angry >:o, that he threw a pair of scissors [#] in John's general direction [""]. This split the man in twain, killing him [N]. This made Polly happy J, it was the greatest day ever A.
Goofus and Gallant
Goofus is a doofus and Gallant is gallant. Everybody knows this. Gallant shares, while Goofus shivs people to steal their opium. In the updated version, Goofus will still be the hell raiser we've all grown to love, but Gallant will radically change. He'll still do good deeds, like sharing, but it will be the sharing of needles so his friends can shoot up illicit drugs. This will show the world that good and bad can co-exist, despite what ""Ghostbusters"" may claim.
It might seem like this is an awful lot of effort for a relatively small reward. However, as a journalism student, this at least gives me something, anything, to strive to achieve.
