What is the most important role food plays in our lives? Ah, a startling question. Should we worship it for allowing us life? Shall we praise it for spicing up our daily routine with flavorful variety? Or should we just be thankful that food gives us something to put on the plates that would otherwise just sit in a cabinet?
Nay, I believe the most important aspect of food is its ability to woo the opposite sex. Nothing says romance more than a meal you took the time to cook for that special someone, and nothing—save $50 on the right street corner—can bring you closer to sex than a dash of romance. Since sex is more or less what most people center their lives around, it follows that food is fairly important to our daily needs.
But what meals are the most romantically effective, you ask. Excellent question. First, the setting is just as important as the meal. So before you serve your significant other, or potential significant other, a meal, it is important to place things like plates and utensils on the table, preferably in front of them. And be sure to give them at least one chair, so that they may sit in front of their meal while consuming it.
Now things are set for the first course: the salad. Lettuce is so cold and old-fashioned, so don't bother with it. Cool Whip and mini marshmallows will do just fine, especially if you put food dye in your salad to give it an appealing, otherworldly green glow.
Next course—maraschino cherries. Yes, these are a bit typical, but you can't mess with the classics. Bring out that jar of cherries, stick your fingers in and pull out a handful. Since you don't want the cherry juice to besmirch a clean plate, palm the cherries under the table. Now it's time to impress.
""I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue,"" you say.
""Yeah, my friend in seventh grade could do that,"" they say with a disinterested look.
Place the cherry stem in your mouth and fumble around with it for a while. This trick is impressive because most people can't do it. Unfortunately, neither can you, so once you fail at this task, it's a perfect time to begin talking about all your failings as a human being. This will keep conversation lively for upwards of 20 minutes, which gives time for dinner to cook.
""What did you make me?"" they ask sweetly.
""PB&Js.""
Disappointment crosses their face.
""But I only got peanuts, so you're going to have to bring the BJ!""
Wait a few seconds after making this jest—it's important that awkward silences punctuate romantic dinners. This is the easiest way to build tension that can only be relieved in the sack.
""Just kidding,"" you say. ""I totally have the jelly."" Then bring out the PB&Js, with or without the crusts, depending on your tastes.
Next course—the bed. But food isn't merely a means to have sex. It is as much a part of sex as protection or consent.
Taking off their shirt, you caress their shoulders and lay them down on your bed. Whispering into their ear, you tell them not to go anywhere. Seconds later, you return with a pot of boiled cabbage, which you proceed to dump onto their naked, arched shoulder blades.
""Burns so good!"" they may shout as you rabidly eat the cabbage leaves off their back. Your next surprise is simple, yet thrilling: uncooked ground beef.
Flip them around and take that pound of cold, dead cow meat and rub it into their face. Press the red strings into their nose pores and eyebrows until you believe they have become one with the cow. Then lick it all off their face and tell them meat never tastes better than when you eat it off their greasy face.
Is it time yet to seal the deal? No, for delaying pleasure only makes the climax that much stronger. You hear the oven timer ding.
""Dinner's ready,"" you eagerly tell them, running to the kitchen and coming back with a leg of Broasted chicken.
Their eyes fill with tears. They are touched.
""You Broasted chicken all for me?""
""No, you dumb shit,"" you whisper into their ear. ""Broasting is a trademarked cooking technique, and you can only get Broasted chicken from restaurants that purchase the proper equipment from the Broaster Company of Beloit, Wis. These are my leftovers. I just reheated them.""
Don't hold back any longer. Dive into that leg of Broasted chicken.
Really go at it, tear at the strings of fat and suck the meat off the bones until they're clean. Allow the globules of fat to drip out of your mouth, down your chin and onto their naked stomach below, until a pool of grease has formed in their belly button. If your lover has an outie, then screw them.
But remember, eating isn't just about you: It's about the other person, too. So take the chicken bones and spell out something sweet on their naked abdomen, like ""love,"" ""kisses"" or ""I do.""
Love will never taste so good.
Do you have a specific culinary delight that you use to lure in significant, or not so significant, others? Share it with Joe. Send him an e-mail at jblynch@wisc.edu.
