The world really scares me sometimes. The universal fear of terrorism, the rise of global warming, the fact that David Hasselhoff is back on TV with America's Got Talent—all truly horrifying. But the one thing that makes me toss and turn the most at night is what quietly sits in our wallets. Not Jamba Juice gift cards or fake IDs, but green paper with the faces of past presidents nobly looking back at us.
You're probably thinking ""Money? That's what you're afraid of? Who doesn't like money?"" And don't get me wrong, I love the fact I can hand over a Jackson and purchase that hot new Conan O'Brien, er... I mean Brad Pitt calendar I've been eyeing. But in the big picture, it's upsetting how far people will go for a buck in hopes that wealth will make their dreams come true. It's not that everyone is superficial and willing to step on others to make it to the top. It's the fact that our society has become based on hyper-capitalism and consumerism, and other nations aren't far behind.
We strive for brand names and recognizable memorabilia like they are priceless commodities, when they're actually mass-produced in countries whose names we can't pronounce. But I have a plan that can change all that; we completely erase the currency system and go back to trade. Yes my friends, let the bartering begin! No more bills, coins, checks or credit cards—just stuff for stuff.
I know you think I'm spewing crazy talk, but I'm not. I'm a firm believer that one man's trash is another man's treasure. Think of all the material that would be saved from the garbage and all the one-of-a-kind goods you'd now have to call your own.
""Oh you like my shoes? Well thanks, but I don't think you'll be able to find a pair like them. Yeah, I traded them for a baby water buffalo with a man from Kenosha."" Wouldn't it feel good to say something like that?
Just imagine how different college expenses would be if they didn't require your paychecks. Instead, you pay for tuition with cleaning supplies, books with sheep's wool and rent with old Backstreet Boys CDs. I've heard landlords love those guys. As for food, we would continue trade with other territories, but Wisconsin would heavily rely on its own produce. Farmers could exchange cheese for a special kind of crop grown in the basements of a few select students.
As foolproof as my plan seems, I know how hard it will be to go back to a time before currency. There's only one thing I can think of that's better than bartering, although it's a little far-fetched (just a little though). And that would be if Oompa Loompas—the original ones, not the new creepy clone kind because I hate them—produced, packaged and distributed all our goods for us.
They would also provide our energy source through indoor cycling. The little orange men would happily bike in place while occasionally wiping their foreheads with the hand towels around their necks. And who's their personal spinning instructor in the baby blue spandex working it in the front of the class? That's right, Hasselholff. I'd gladly tune in to see that.
