Finding something true doesn't come as easily for some people as it does for others. Many are able to go out into the world, interact with people and, through simple conversation, figure out what a person is like and whether or not there is a chance for a more intimate relationship. Others are left clueless, wondering if the reason there is a hand imprint on their face is because of something they said, where they were looking, where their hand was or some combination of the three.
Therefore it's not a surprise that less direct means of social interaction have grown and prospered. One option is simply picking up a phone, and within seconds you'll be talking to an overweight, 47-year-old, hideously inbred lonely, perky college co-ed\ who's been ""waiting for your call"" in her cubicle her entire shift. Yet this still requires a slight mastery of conversational skills, and even then it's really just one $2.95-per-minute lie.
That's where personals come in. All the information, as true as you feel like believing it is, and the ability to dig through profile upon profile like some demented stalker-mole.
This is about the point my friend fits in, as he recently succumbed to curiosity and subscribed to a dating site. What?! Why do you have that look on your face? Oh, you think I'm using the word ""friend"" to casually mask my being self-conscious about the fact that it was really me? Hmm, you're more clever than I realized. Well played, mon ami.
But let's not dwell on who did what, and fast forward to having a profile all set up. It was time to browse through the Sea of Availability. Or maybe that's the Ocean of Lies. The Tributary of Half-Truths? I'm no good with hydrography.
Without a doubt, nothing I read could be taken seriously. None of the blurry pics at inhuman angles looked honest. A few even claimed to be making six figures with a liberal-arts degree. One girl was 5'2"" 180 pounds and considers her body type average... well, maybe; this is, of course, Wisconsin. But the girl from Alabama with a college degree? HA! I don't think so.
Clearly, what is needed is a massive and fresh dose of the truth. With this in mind, I set out to redo my profile; simple, straightforward and honest to a fault.
I enjoy a nice, meaningful pair of conversations with a nice round and tight personality, but I also understand that we don't have to talk (ever) to make a connection. You must be able to support yourself but willing to allow me to lend a helping, possibly groping, hand. I have traveled around the world and you must be willing to accept if I want to study a broad in the (near) future again.
As a chemical engineer, I am fully aware and can prove mathematically that cuddling is, in fact, an inefficient and unproductive form of heat exchange. I have a good sense of humor, such as joking about how you should wear less clothing, yet I'm also caring and sensitive, such as asking if you would like to please wear less clothing.
If you're interested, please contact me with a little bit about yourself (your measurements), and we'll go from there.
It really doesn't get more truthful than this. Of course, this is a stereotypical truthfulness. To even begin to get the slightest understanding of how things actually are, you'll have to resort to conversation. Which really means that we're the only ones keeping ourselves from the truth. Luckily, this type of conversation is free.
Reply to this profile by e-mailing ejjensen3@wisc.edu. Or just sit and stare at his Facebook page for hours.\
