Amid the buzz of the Southeast Recreational Facility, a thin girl in a Puma tracksuit approached the office with an odd accusation: The stupid treadmill broke my phone. Can I file a complaint?\
Attempting to chat while jogging, the multitasking had overwhelmed her coordination. The phone now lay in pieces and the angry jogger hoped to put the machine on trial.
As evil as treadmills can be, this absurd story demonstrates the ridiculous exercise habits of UW students. Some, like the chatty jogger, attempt to blend sweat and gossip. Others are too intense, putting themselves and others at risk. Negotiating the inconsiderate chaos of the SERF is now a workout in itself.
Cell phones are now as common as iPods at the SERF. Students cannot bear to be disconnected from the social world–not even for a half hour. Sick of their iPod playlists and MTV reruns, many carry on casual conversations as they churn away on the elliptical trainers. Lest you think that these individuals aren't serious about their workouts, fights regularly break out as patrons dispute the half-hour cardio machine time limit.
Fortunately, I have found the solution to the overcrowded cardio center: remove all handrails. Unable to lean 90 percent of their bodyweight on the rails, workouts will become much more difficult, and workouts will be over in half the time.
The woes of the SERF do not end upstairs. Many remain convinced that weight benches double as beds. Patrons regularly spend ""breaks"" sprawled out on the weight equipment, as those waiting to use the equipment look on hopelessly. Meanwhile, the bench press has replaced College Library as the social center of campus. Frat boys flock in groups to give their jaws a tiring workout, gossiping around the squat rack. Beyond constituting a fire hazard, they make it difficult for others to get in their own workouts.
More motivated lifters have their own issues. The flipside of five-man lifting crews are lone wolves who place their lives at risk with every squat. Refusing a spotter, it's only a matter of time before these he-men end up with a bar on their necks.
Schwarzenegger wannabes that do request a spotter endanger two lives. Racking up obscene amounts of weight, each lift becomes a team effort, leaving the poor spotter with a herniated disk. Whether showing off for others or the beloved mirrors, no one is impressed.
The final SERF sin afflicts the noses of all. Patrons arrive at the SERF having abstained from bathing for a week. Some attempt to cover their stench with the deplorable AXE Body Spray, known to college-age males as ""shower in a bottle."" These stinkers create a nauseating halo around them, sickening fellow exercisers.
These careless SERF behaviors make regular exercise an even bigger headache. Not everyone is training for a triathlon, and working out with friends can make exercise fun, but the SERF should be a place where everyone can meet their fitness goals. Obey the time limits, share the equipment, and remember: Wearing headphones doesn't mean the rest of us can't hear you fart.
Jay Storey is a sophomore majoring in journalism and mass communication. Send responses to opinion@dailycardinal.com.\
