Police who responded to reports of violent grinding and shredding noises\ early Thursday discovered a pile of mangled produce behind the home of Margaret Simmins on the 500 block of West Bassett Street. Simmins, who was unresponsive, was found on the back porch holding a partially-peeled cucumber. She repeated, ""You've been bad, haven't you?""
Simmins, a prominent voice at local meetings for PETA and the Vegan Society, has molested various edible plants, achieving a lustful thrill, according to reports. The guilt, however, forced her to dispose of the otherwise edible, and in some cases very well-cooked, food.
Neighbors noted frequent trips to organic food stores throughout Dane County in recent weeks, as well as an increase in the size of what was supposedly a ""compost pile.""
""Yeah, I overheard her, around dinner time usually,"" one neighbor commented. ""She'd say, like, ‘You had this coming,' and then I'd just hear splashing or knife sounds.""
Simmins' roommate, Tim Yanning, gave further detail. ""She's been acting whack for a while. Like once, she was reading this cookbook, which isn't that odd. But the look in her eyes, I mean, it was a mix of bloodlust and hunger, like sap-lust or some shit. I wanted to say something, but, well… Do you know what she can do with a peeler?"" Yanning said.
Simmins' obsession is controlled to vegetables, however.
""I don't know what's wrong with me. I just… want to hurt vegetables. Like that cucumber, it was asking for it,"" she said as she was escorted away by Madison Police.
After the officer informed her that a cucumber is technically a fruit, Simmins' replied, ""What?! Oh God, what have I done?!""
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