Dear Blake,
My boyfriend has been badgering me to try anal sex for some time now. I'm not too keen on the idea for obvious reasons and I would like to know how I can rebuff his advances without ruining our relationship.
– Sore in Sellery
Dear SS,
Your concern about anal sex is very understandable.
I've always felt that the best way of approaching these kinds of situations is to go quid pro quo. Basically, if he wants to put something in your anus—he can—on the condition that you are allowed to do the same. Fair is fair. You must, however, be prepared to respond if he agrees to this compromise. In such a case be prepared by having a 14 dildo nearby. Most dildos of such length are designed for dual use and are as such quite flexible. But despite their length, they can be inserted in their entirety into a single colon. The sight of a woman with a 14\ dildo who's just itching to lube up and go to work on your anus is enough to send any man running. It is important to note, however, that inserting such an object into the colon is not terribly healthy. Upon entering the rectum the dildo will reach the sigmoid flexure. This loop of intestine normally hangs downward but it's location within the abdominal cavity is quite fluid. In cases of abdominal stress—such as a two-foot dildo being inserted into the gastrointestinal tract—the loop can be displaced quite high into the gut.
With a flexible silicon dildo I would imagine that roughly half of the distortion would be taken up by the dildo with the other half taken up by the colon itself. At this depth one might also run into some kidney trouble. Kidneys, to my knowledge, are not designed to be massaged and you wouldn't want to have a boyfriend who has to wear a colostomy bag because of you, now would you? Good luck.
Blake wants to hear about your love life. Contact him at work-in-progress@punkass.com.
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