A record turnout in the Associated Students of Madison elections has thwarted a profiteering scheme in which the highest echelons of student government planned to make a fortune.
The way we figured it, elections that are flops are much more profitable than successful elections,\ said ASM chair and UW-Madison senior Eric Varney, who hoped to pocket excess segregated fees originally allocated for an unsuccessful election.
""We thought we had it all figured out,"" said Student Labor Action Coalition member and UW-Madison junior Ashok Kumar. ""Union renovations and worker's rights referenda, three dozen largely inconsequential elections … everything we needed to drive people away from the polls. All in all, the recipe for a flop!""
Kumar and Varney began to worry when the election results came pouring into the UW-Madison Division of Information Technology database.
Reviews of the elections in the local media were widely appraising, ranging from ""ASM hits it on the head once again with this tour de force"" in a review published in The Daily Cardinal to ""Smart… Sexy"" on the Arts, Etc. page of The Badger Herald.
""It was a surefire flop,"" Varney said. ""We were set to rake in the money. So when voting surpassed 15 percent, we knew we were in trouble.""
Though 15 percent of the student population voted—the largest percentage in two years—students still did
not understand what was occurring.
""So, upgrading the Union?—like the DDR machine?"" questioned UW-Madison sophomore Tad Johnson. ""Please, then take my money.""
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