As I sat watching the Olympics this weekend, I had a shocking revelation. It occurred when I looked down at my chest, and realized I don't have an Olympic medal, not even a bronze one.
I immediately set about to fix this problem. However, I encountered problems when I realized that I'm not good at sports, especially ones in the Olympics. Sure, I do hold the prestigious Sellery Hall Ping Pong Association's championship belt, and the last time I went skiing I found a way to run into a snowmaker at full speed, but I don't think these feats really impress the International Olympic Committee all that much.
I realized if I want to ever achieve my Olympic dreams, I must revive a sport suited to me, a sport that requires dexterity, strength, experience, smarts and most of all, a killer instinct to win. It took me a while to think up a sport that could perfectly combine all these facets into one killer sport. Then the realization struck me'Pogs.
That's right, Pogs, the game that oh so perfectly captured our youth would make for the perfect Olympic event. I just need to convince the IOC that this idea is ingenious, and I'm not some random crazy.
The only real problem I foresee in convincing the IOC is that it's not the week in 1995 when Pogs were popular. This will present some problem, but I can showcase the game as one rife with drama, intrigue and sex! Although, truth be told, the latter one is only true if you shopped in the right store.
The most interesting sports are the ones where someone goes up and above the call of the sport. Whether it's Bode Miller skiing drunk or Tanya Harding's boyfriend clubbing Nancy Kerrigan, these mini-dramas bring in the ratings. Pogs inherently feature the same level, if not more so.
Imagine someone walking into the Olympic stadium sporting nothing but foil Pogs. For those that don't remember, the foil Pogs represented the bling-bling of Pogs and cost an entire nickel more than the normal discs. I think it goes without saying that a player like that would cause quite a stir in the Pog/Olympic community.
And don't underestimate the life lessons children can learn from Pogs. Not only do Pogs teach the values of gambling at an early age, they also teach other values important to life.
I remember the devastation I felt when 'Daniel''a kid in my fourth grade class'stole everyone's Pogs. That day, when snack time came around, I went to my backpack to take out my set and start up a rip-roaring game, when to my dismay they were gone! Daniel claimed innocence, although the next day he came to school with a 6-foot tube of Pogs. The kid was 5-foot-nothing, and had six feet of Pogs!
Were Pogs to become olympicized, I could take down Daniel on the world's stage, and it would easily become the crowning achievement of my life. Well, I could, but in a cruel bout with karma, Daniel ended up becoming addicted to cocaine. Ah yes, Pogs and their wonderous life lessons. Children would know not to steal, because then you become addicted to cocaine, and that's bad.
In the meantime, I must keep my slammer wrist strong. I have a strange feeling my country will need it in 2012.
