You may have been watching TV a couple of nights ago. It was a momentous occasion, a rally call for all Americans to band together. The ringing tone of the message was one of thoughtful contemplation, a reflection on the past and an offer of things to come. I am of course talking about the newest commercial for Boost Mobile.
If you missed it, you're in luck. Since this is something I completely made up, I have given myself the permission to re-run the ad in print right here...
Back in the day, George W's dad chirped him to invite him to a GOP fundraiser and to meet an up-and-coming corporate suit recovering from his first heart attack. And the rest is history.
But without boost, he would have stayed at the frat party where he was doing lines of cocaine off a stripper's backside. Afterward, while satisfying a butter and potato chip craving due to being under the influence, he'd discover a unique ability to stomach a large amount of undesirable foods.
'Hee hee *munch munch*, hey boys, you know why I like butter? Cuz it reminds me of oil. Oh man I'm sooo addicted.'
'Jeez, George, you are really trippin' man.'
'Hell naw. I just love butter, and these blue chips are totally awesome.'
'Aww sheeeeit. We got those chips off the side of that house over there. Those are paint chips. Oh man, you're really downin' those. Take it easy.'
Small rumors of George's gastro-intestinal abilities began to spread. After challenges from locals at restaurants and bars to eat or drink the most, the next step was clear: Professional Competitive Eating.
'We're down to the wire folks. Only seconds remain. Three?? two?? one! It's all over, oh my, it wasn't even close. George has decimated William 'The Refrigerator' Perry eating 28 lbs. of pretzels in half an hour, nearly doubling his challenger. George, do you have anything to say'?
'Well yes, I gotta say, to all those that didn't think I could achieve this level of greatness, suck it. Suck it long, and suck it hard. And to my ex-wife Laura, who's living in the gutter now'?
'Well you have it there. Bitter, salty words from the new International Federation of Competitive Eating all-around champ. A true leader among men.'
But luckily for George, and possibly some of us, he has boost mobile.
Where you at?
...Oh, classy and classic. Yet that wasn't the only entertaining nugget you could come away with on Tuesday night. The same night, only shortly after the above ad aired came the preview for MTV's new show 'Pimp My Rights.'
In an effort to draw a younger fan base for the highest court in the land, major changes have been put into effect. First, to better illustrate the courts move in the 'right direction' (ahem, cough cough), it has now been christened The Xtreme Court. Promises have been made to update present judicial gowns to lime green velour jumpsuits and for a guest DJ to keep proceedings 'bumpin' between cases. Test audience comments include 'sexiest litigation ever' and 'boredom has been overruled.'
Those who missed the preview are in for the greatest surprise the next time they get served papers. X to the Z, Xzibit has been brought on to personally show up at your house to get your day going right, and to let you know you are ordered to appear. Though it's not all bad news that Xzibit brings. Every subpoena comes with a complimentary WWJD bracelet (which you are asked to wear while giving testimony) and a copy of Dick Cheney's new book entitled 'Mreeeeaaahhhh!'
May God bless America.
