It's about time. I've been saying it for years, '3rd graders plus rifles equals a good time.' But noooooo, not a single person listened to me... until Rep. Scott Gunderson, R-Waterford. With a pen in his hand and love for our children in his heart, he wrote a poignant piece of literature entitled Assembly Bill 586, though I prefer my title 'What I did during summer break, by Billy Tomkins, Chapter 1: Killing Bambi.' He probably pulled an all nighter in the back room of his gun shop 'Gundy's Liquor and Sports' (this is the actual name of Scott Gunderson's shop). A noble hero among common slugs.
This is serious. The great hunting traditions of Wisconsin are being lost. As Gunderson put it, 'If they are not engaged in hunting by 12 or 13, they probably won't be.' It takes someone with the future in their sights to understand how to revitalize the hunting industry. Little Billy has to be brought in at a young age, to be thrown ten feet backwards by the recoil of his errant shot, to learn how to dig a shallow grave so no one will find the recipient of his misguided bullet. Furthermore, this bill streamlines the junior-gets-a-gun process by not wasting time by requiring his mentor to have taken a hunter's safety course. Had we followed our current path, the chance for a father to live vicariously through his kid and experience the thrill of the hunt again, might have been lost.
If you don't understand, it's probably because you haven't experienced said thrill. This is beyond roller coasters, sky diving, or whatever puts you on the edge of your seat. Nothing can compare to sitting?? waiting?? sitting some more?? probably drinking a bit?? waiting some more. The suspense is almost beyond what is humanly endurable. And then, what's that?! Your prey is spotted and the epic struggle ensues. Man vs. nature, good vs. evil, gun aiming vs. unarmed foraging. BLAM! It comes to a frightful climax. It was a close fight, a test of man's mettle. One slight mistake, the wrong choice and the result would be the exact opposite of victory; a draw.
Is a draw wrong, you say? Oh ho ho, wrong as not rain. What you might consider simply an amiable truce between man and beast would result in chaos. First it's one deer not shot, then two, then three. Before you know it the deer population has exploded. They're everywhere. Deer are in your fields. Deer are crossing roads and highways like a furry life size game of Frogger. Deer are even buying your daughters Amaretto Sours to get them in the back of their pick-ups so they can make unwelcome advances.
The worst are those against hunting period, using this as just another flaming torch to illuminate their mob's way. The deer population won't find a harmonious balance on its own. If you take away hunters, there is only one other sensible option; bears, preferably alpha male Kodiak bears who haven't been fed in a while. These would have to be airlifted to the deer population's densest points and set free to sate their appetites and bring us freedom from the antlered horde.
This is just plain crazy. We're talking about bears here, people. Sure these beasts of fur and fang would rip into the deer population like a debilitating disease which affects the central nervous system and causes an animal to waste away, possibly chronically. But bears wouldn't stop there, once the deer are thoroughly mauled or have run away, the next target would be our children, with the most tender, and thus the most appetizing to a bear, being kids about 8 years old. Think about it, if the kiddies are going to meet an untimely demise, shouldn't we at least put the smoking gun in their hands? Besides, anyone with a pro-bear agenda isn't worth the time to think about spitting at them.
