Let's play 'Name that Holiday.' I'll give you some clues and you guess the celebration I'm thinking of.
Clue #1: Costumes
Clue #2: Trick or treat
Clue #3: Tear gas
That's right boys and girls, I'm talking about Halloween in Madison. Depending on who you are, Madison's Halloween festivities can mean a lot of different things.
To some people'the entire 2003 graduating class of Minnetonka High School, for example'it's a sort of unofficial class reunion; a chance to get the old gang together for a night of revelry.
For others, it's the one night a year where punching a mounted police officer's horse and throwing bricks through hotel windows don't seem like such bad ideas. And for people like me, it's just a weekend we could do without.
You're probably saying, 'But Joe, what's not to love about Halloween? With the right combination of boxed wine and tequila shots, anything can be fun.' That may well be the case, but I have my reasons for disliking the festivities.
For starters, I hate looking for a costume. No matter how hard I try, the costume hunt always ends with me rummaging through piles of old clothing at Ragstock, all the while struggling to breathe in what must be the worst-smelling store in the history of Madison. Would it kill them to get some ventilation in there or to wash some of their clothing items before they put them out for sale?
Not since my pre-school and kindergarten days, when I alternated being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and a player for the San Francisco 49ers, can I honestly say I've had a great costume. And since coming to Madison, my costumes have been a blend of bad shoes, too much hair gel and one really tight pair of jeans.
I also have a more selfish reason. Halloween just happens to be my birthday, but guess what, nobody cares. Sure I get a few token birthday congratulations, but for the most part, my friends are too busy starting fires and climbing trees to notice. It's really very sad.
I'm not the only one who doesn't like Halloween. Just ask the mayor and the police department. They've got bigger problems than finding a costume or getting birthday wishes.
Problems like making sure there's enough tear gas for everyone on State Street and strategically planning where to put up their portable fences, because we all know nothing pacifies 80,000 rowdy college students better than plastic fencing. HA! They'd be better off doing nothing at all. Do they realize how well portable fences burn?
But no matter how much I complain or city officials try, there's no stopping Halloween. Short of closing down all roads to Madison, there's really nothing anybody can do. And you can't really blame the kids from other schools for wanting to come here. Have you ever been to Mankato? How about Platteville? These aren't exactly the garden spots of the upper Midwest.
Despite my anti-Halloween sentiments, I say, let them join us. Allow them to get a taste of the real Madison party scene. If that taste happens to be tear gas-flavored, so be it.
