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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, May 12, 2024

Features Column

This time of the season, fear is in the air. It's also festering all over the airwaves, as one need only turn on a television in this fine battleground state to discover. 

 

 

 

Media commentators have noted the inordinate number of political ads this year which directly attempt to exploit the electorate's anxieties, particularly through imagery. For instance, both President Bush and Senator Kerry are currently running ads in Madison featuring shots of woeful-yet-photogenic children to visually foreshadow the next four years under their opponent. 

 

 

 

Though this is a decent start, the candidates could take the motivating power of fear even further in ads like these by??tapping the strategy long used to sell toys and cereal by targeting children for use as intermediaries to parental persuasion. Take this ad for the Bush campaign, to run Saturday mornings: 

 

 

 

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The frame opens with an adorable little kitten frolicking in a meadow. It pans out to reveal that the kitten is being watched through the sights of some sort of sinister-looking weapons launcher by a group of stock villains sporting dark glasses and comically bad facial hair. 

 

 

 

\John Kerry has consistently opposed defense measures we need to stay safe from the terrorists,"" the announcer says. ""If John Kerry gets his way, he will leave you, your friends, your family and this cute little kitty vulnerable to attacks by those who want to hurt us. 

 

 

 

""John Kerry also opposed the child tax credit, a super-cool gift from President Bush that gives your parents an incentive to keep you. John Kerry even supports abortion, which means he doesn't want you to exist in the first place. That's not very nice of him, is it? 

 

 

 

""Tell your parents not to vote for John Kerry. Not only is he wrong for America's families-"" Suddenly there comes a crash and a puff of smoke. 

 

 

 

A smoldering lump of fur falls from the sky as the terrorists laugh and give each other high-fives. 

 

 

 

""... His policies kill baby cats."" 

 

 

 

Kerry, on the other hand, needs to take his fear appeals to the other side of the age spectrum, directly to the country's most vivacious voters, those over 65 (a fact unnerving enough in itself): ""Hi, I'm John Kerry, and I'm here to tell you, my fellow Americans, that help is on the way for senior citizens. You see this yellow bracelet I wear. It means I'm against cancer. I don't know if you've noticed, but the president doesn't wear one."" (On-screen text: George Bush supports cancer.) 

 

 

 

""I also support stem-cell research to seek out cures for our most debilitating diseases. The president opposes it."" (On-screen text: George Bush wants you to suffer. Profusely.) 

 

 

 

""The president also wants to privatize Social Security and leave the health and well-being of the greatest generation at the mercy of the markets. He opposes importing lower-cost drugs from Canada, and now he's even telling you not to wait in line for flu shots."" (On-screen text: George Bush thinks you're?? a drain on society and wishes you would hurry up and die already.) 

 

 

 

""I'm John Kerry, and I'm asking for your vote because I have a better plan, one that will serve ALL God's children."" 

 

 

 

Indeed, perhaps there's a reason Election Day is so close to Halloween. 

 

 

 

I'm Holly Noe, and I support this message because I believe the future belongs to the humor defense-mechanism, not to fear. Learn more at flamingpurvis@yahoo.com. 

 

 

 

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