Initially, the sole interest I had in Sunday's Academy Awards was confirming last year's best actor and my fictional love, Adrien Brody, would indeed be presenting. That was until I came upon some highly intriguing information concerning this year's coveted presenter gift bags.
Rumored to contain a record $30,000 worth of luxury items, these fabled satchels of superfluity are filled by companies hoping for free product endorsements among the entertainment elite.
Though spa getaways and $250 writing utensils are all well and good, I think it's time corporations expanded their offerings to include gifts celebrities might find more practical.
For instance, though they may be richer and better looking than the lot of us, famous folks remain fallible beings who occasionally run afoul of the law. When this occurs, their booking photos quickly become the most-viewed publicity shots of their careers.
Couture cosmetics have long been gift bag staples-when will a consumer-conscious beauty company step up with the pocket-sized Pre-Mug Shot Touch-Up Kit? Forget thousand-dollar makeup pallets, a simple grooming kit with the power to keep a wayward star from joining the ranks of Nick Nolte, Michael Jackson and James Brown would be infinitely more useful.
For in show business, appearance is crucial. At the Oscars, the fashions can garner more attention than the actual awards. Attendees wishing to make even a slightly unconventional statement often find their journey down the red carpet accompanied by a chorus of sniping style critics.
More than any cutting edge cell phone or personal organizer, these individualists would treasure an innovation like the Fashion Flack Deflector, a gizmo that emits a signal momentarily locking Joan Rivers in her rest state of suspended animation and interfering with those perpetual paparazzi cameras.
It is a sad fact of life in the spotlight, but for many of Tinseltown's finest, stalkers are a real threat. In lieu of expensive fragrances, gift bags should contain pheromone cocktails capable of repelling even the most focused of fans. For leading men, a blend of Richard Simmons, Bruce Vilanch and Gary Shandling ought to do the trick, and a fusion of Anna Nicole, Hillary Clinton and Martha Stewart should render any starlet wholly unalluring.
Of course, the awards producers could also embrace fanatics and include us as personal seat-fillers for our favorite thespians as a token of mutual thanks. (\Uh, Ms. Noe, we appreciate the enthusiasm, but Mr. Brody is still in his seat."")
Presenters and nominees probably get rather bored during the notoriously lengthy ceremony. Why not bestow some gifts to keep them amused while in the audience? A round of Acceptance Speech Bingo or Attendee Mad Libs would surely liven up even the most tedious of tribute montages.
The catalog of ideal inclusions goes on: fine Cuban cigars for celebrating at the after-parties or bribing Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, ""get out of Neverland free"" cards for the child stars...
Yes, with a few minor adjustments, presenter gift bags could capture the true spirit of silver screen culture-not just the glamour and excess, but also the scandal, scorn and schadenfreude that make Hollywood grand.
flamingpurvis@yahoo.com.
