Yet another weekend of behaving badly leaves me here, wondering why it is that I do the stupid things that I do.
I'm sure it's a weekly ritual for you too. Maybe you don't do it the same way I do, but you do it. You sit and wonder what it is that made you try to climb that fence, domino-tip that row of motorcycles in front of Wando's or wake up on that floor with no pants on and 38 cents in change stuck to your face.
And even if you can chalk up all of the weekend's transgressions to alcohol, usually (unless you are Ted Kennedy), you can't do the same for a whole week of illogical behavior.
You wonder why you watched the MTV Video Music Awards re-broadcast four times, why you called the girl you like four times (in one day), why you spoke up in class even though you didn't know what the hell you were talking about, why you invaded Iraq, etc.
The point is not so much that humans do stupid things, but that we seem to have an incredible capacity for forgiving each other and ourselves for doing those stupid things.
I know myself that my friends and relatives have an endless supply of patience with my stupidity. I even have a friend who once expressed that it seemed her main role in my life involved following me around while I did dumb things.
So here we are, as a race, following each other around while we act like idiots.
I read a survey once in a women's style magazine (don't ask) that reported a surprising number of men surveyed had at one time attempted to put their penises in their mouths.
This means that there is a population of guys out there who failed to take into account that:
A) Success at this, regardless of its rewards, would still be difficult and infinitely detrimental to your social life and spinal column.
B) We have ribs for a reason.
There is even a word for it: autofellatio. That means enough guys have tried to perform this unusual feat to warrant a specific name.
Dude 1: What's up dude?
Dude 2: Nothing, dude, just trying to find a way to get my penis into my mouth.
Dude 1: Oh, you're talkin' autofellatio.
It's not the behavior itself here that is so weird, but that we forgive each other for doing and saying these idiotic things. You are probably sitting near an unsuccessful auto-fellator right now.
See, you can't tell which one. Know why?
Because we all do and say things that are so stupid we can't explain them, so even people who do really stupid things don't stand out.
A lot of the times we give them important positions in society.
George W. Bush isn't the first man of questionable cognitive ability to be our president, and he won't be the last. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised, in this age, to see David Lee Roth elected to Congress.
They lead us, they teach us, they respond to surveys. And because we are all stupid in our own ways, we identify with stupidity.
In fact, there is a weird logic to a lot of the stupid things we do and say.
People make fun of Yogi Berra for being dumb, but you can't deny the profound logic of \it ain't over 'til it's over.""
Either way, I'm sure this week will be no different. Follow me around some day. I'm sure you'll see me do at least seven things that defy explanation.
Or, come over next Sunday and we'll speak together, with no guilt, the international language of stupidity.
Dan Hinkel is a junior majoring in journalism who does not condone any of the actions described in the above column. He may be reached at dlhinkel@students.wisc.edu.
