Let me begin by saying I do not take war lightly. As a history student, I believe I have a pretty decent grasp of what war can do, not only to the combatants but to the countries used for battlefields and the innocent civilians. Understand, then, it was only through much soul-searching that I reached my final decision. We need to bomb Russia back into the Stone Age. Before some of you flip out over turning Russia into a giant Eurasian parking lot, I'd like you to keep two things in mind.
1. As I mentioned in the first paragraph, I took a long time to come to this conclusion and I have carefully weighed the pros and cons of our actions.
2. It's too late to do anything about it, as I officially declared war on Russia last Monday night.
Some of you may be asking yourself, \What has Russia ever done to Matt Worzala that he would declare war on the entire country?"" That is a darn good question. However, I am a hard-hitting journalist, and so I have a darn good answer.
Ever heard of a sporting event called ""The Olympics""? A little something-something we in America like to call ""pairs figure skating""?
Okay, those of you who know about the travesty that occurred on Monday night are all obviously on the bombing bandwagon by now. Others, however, might be saying to themselves, ""Man, I have no idea what Matt is talking about, but I'd sure like to get in on the flattening of Mother Russia. I hope he explains this matter further.""
Ask and ye shall receive.
On Monday night, despite a flawless program, the Canadian pairs team was robbed of their gold medal in favor of the less superior Russian team. The deciding votes were cast by Russia, former East Bloc countries and France.
Without getting ahead of myself, I'd like to say that yes, France will get theirs as well. But right now our focus is on Russia, who is the obvious mastermind behind this dastardly treachery.
Now, there are some of you out there, probably closet Commie sympathizers, who are asking why the U.S.A. should get involved when it was the Canadian team that was slighted. The answer is again simple'because Canada will soon be a part of the United States and is therefore already entitled to our help in blowing stuff up. Before you even start, I'll spell it out for you.
Quebec, very soon, will finally pass their resolution to separate from Canada. British Columbia has already publicly stated that they will join the United States if this happens. The rest of the West will quickly follow, as will the island provinces. Within 10 years, all but Quebec will be part of the United States. At that time, Quebec will look around and go, ""Oh [censored]!"" which is French for ""Oh my!""
They will then hook up with the United States as well, and the entire population will move south to New Orleans, which will become the largest French-speaking city next to Paris. However, if we wait till then to bomb Russia, we will only appear petty and will not be able to gain the popular support of other countries.
Therefore, we must act now! Russia must be taught to once again fear and respect the U.S.A.'s furious hammer of justice. We must fill the skies with hundreds upon hundreds of...
What? Dual gold medals? Yeah, that'd work too. Okay folks, false alarm, thanks for your support though. Canada and I appreciate it.
OUT!
