I keep pushing on, straining myself to the very limit of physical endurance. The accelerated rhythm of my pulse reverberates through my entire body like the piercing beat of a bass drum, and my lungs struggle to satiate the needs of my strained respiratory system. After twenty minutes of grueling intensity, victory is mine.
I finally make it to the top of Bascom Hill.
Back in my pre-collegiate years, whenever I thought about what my life at a university would be like, I always believed that I would have no trouble maintaining good physical condition. Like many of my other preconceived notions about college, such as the prediction that I would be successful with women and my vow to drink in moderation, my desire to stay in shape quickly succumbed to the extreme overindulgence that is UW-Madison.
Certainly, a good portion of the problem stems from the fact that my daily routine consists of so many important activities that I have there is little time for personal training. Of course there are the obvious diversions such as attending class and studying, but academic pursuits form only a small portion of the hectic schedule that prevents me from exercising.
There is absolutely no way that I can be expected to go for a jog when I am perfecting my talent for freestyle rapping. Also, my roommates depend on me to enlighten them with the daring social commentary of my shaving-cream art on the bathroom mirror. Do you think Delacroix would ever have used something like weightlifting as an excuse for sacrificing his artistic genius?
Although physical fitness is clearly far from the top of my list of priorities, there are certain parts of my body that receive frequent workouts. Life at college has allowed my fingers to reach their full physical potential, strengthened and chiseled by a vigorous regiment containing diverse exercises, ranging from Super Mario Brothers, Part 1 to Super Mario Brothers, Part 3.
In addition, I often train the muscles that are involved in the consumption of tortilla chips, including the crucial bag-opening and salsa-dipping muscle groups.
Along with Tostitos, many other components of my diet add to the deterioration of my physical fitness. On a typical Saturday night, I generally consume a reasonable quantity of high-calorie beer, after which I feel compelled to devour loads of grease-laden products from Gumby's. Over the course of the weekend, the cumulative effects of my consumption approach health risks similar to those of smoking an entire carton of cigarettes while jumping off a nine-story building.
While I am sure that many students have similar dietary habits, I have also noticed a surprisingly high level of physical activity around the campus. Any time you make your way toward the Lakeshore Path, I guarantee that, regardless of the weather, you will encounter several joggers making use of the beautiful surroundings in order to develop greater cardiovascular fitness. I can also guarantee that none of the people you will encounter will be me.
In the unlikely case that you might be concerned for my well-being as a result of my inactivity, I assure you that you don't have to worry. I am perfectly OK with my current, minimal amount of physical exertion. In fact, I'm in the middle of the underwater level in Mario 3.
