Although I consider myself a true sports fan, capable of following and enjoying many sports at once, sometimes I get tunnel vision.
It happens most during late September and early October, when the game of football pushes all other sports out of the picture. With both college and pro football well underway, this ugly affliction has reared its head once more.
But wait a minute'should I feel bad about that? Can you toss around cool words like paydirt, gridiron and pigskin in any other sport? No, my friend, you cannot.
Football is the benevolent ruler of the sports kingdom. Try as you might, sooner or later you will realize that other sports just do not compare.
Basketball? Close, but not really.
Baseball? Sorry. Put a team in the World Series that I actually care about and then we'll talk.
Hockey? Next.
Tennis? Soccer? Golf? They're mere peasants, I'm afraid.
If you suspect you may be a football junkie like myself, look for the following symptoms:
- You watch SportsCenter and patiently wait for the Bengals-Browns highlights because a player on either squad just happens to be on your fantasy football team. (Note: having a Bengal or a Brown on your team equals fantasy football failure.)
- You pass the time in class by writing down 'Berman-isms' for pro football players, like Rich 'Loose' Gannon or Jessie Tuggle 'me Elmo.'
- The greatest basketball player ever is returning to the game he loves and you have a sports column to write. You just want to talk about football.
- You visited used video game stores weekly during the summer searching for one item: Tecmo Super Bowl for Nintendo. When you came up empty-handed, you refused to leave the house or shower for one full week. You made a complete recovery only after playing John Madden 2002 on Playstation 2.
- When asked for the correct time during a football game, you respond: 'Fourth quarter.'
- You can answer yes to this question: Have you ever gotten up in the morning in a dorm room, with blinds drawn, and spent the entire day on the couch watching football, noticing only when you go to bed that you did not see sunlight that day? (Note: also a sign you are outrageously lazy.)
- You cringe at the mere mention of South Bend, Ind.
- You are overjoyed whenever the crowd successfully 'splits the wave' at Camp Randall. My sources tell me it has been done twice in the past four years.
- You never use the word 'referee.' Acceptable synonyms include zebra, knucklehead or moron.
- It's Sunday night and you are at a campus library. You take periodic 'breaks' from writing an important term paper to check the status of the football game in progress. Eleven o'clock rolls around and your paper is still only 30 words long. Instead of buckling down and actually writing the paper, you go home and watch TV. Dude, SportsCenter is on.
Before running out to seek treatment for any symptoms you may have, ask yourself one last question: If this is a sickness, do I really want a cure?
