Freshmen, be warned about the concept of a house party. A house party here isn't exactly what you remember from high school. As part of a public service 'arrangement' that I've made with the Dane County Sheriff's Office, I'll give you a couple few in order to avoid a house party gone bad.
Tip No. 1: Do not go to house parties.
Tip No. 2: Do not go to house parties.
Tip No. 3: Do not go to house parties.
Attending a house party is like watching a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie. Sure, it sounds like a decent idea in the beginning, but in the end, you're $7 poorer and two hours of your life have been taken away that you'll never get back. Let's analyze why most house parties are not worth the walk.
First of all, one makes the mistake of telling others. Here's what happened: You asked a friend on your floor if there were any parties that night. He/She proceeds to tell you about the party they heard from their friend's roommate's frat brother's co-worker's boyfriend. You ask about the whereabouts of the party, and they reply, 'Somewhere on Gorham. I think the place was 115 Gorham.'
Chances are that the party was at 511 Gilman, but the communication broke down, and now you're at 115 Gorham with no party, sore feet from walking there from the dorms and a group of people in tight clothes wondering why they are freezing on a cold Wisconsin night outside of a house where they heard there was a party going on.
Why are there a ton of people behind you? It's because people who go to house parties have biological tendencies to travel in packs of 10 or more. This isn't a nightclub, folks. When you show up with 10-plus people, you do not get drinks half off.
But you still do it because you told someone and they told someone who told someone else. Then when you finally go, you have to go from The Langdon to pick up friends at The Towers, who have to pick up friends at Ogg, who have to wait for their friends from Bradley to come over. By the time you could have been partying, you spent the last hour waiting for friends of friends of friends.
Finally, even when you get to the right place, you haven't even arrived at a house party. You just arrived at a fundraiser. Fundraisers constitute 75 percent of all 'house parties.' If you are in someone's basement with 200 other folks crowded around the only keg of Natty Light, you are at a fundraiser.
You see, the hosts didn't really want to party'they needed rent for the next month. So they told a lot of people, and they knew word would spread. In the end, you are crammed against a water heater in their basement trying to get to the warm keg, but someone is always budging in front of you screaming 'HOUSE CUP!' Feel good that Zak and his buds can have heat for the next month thanks to you.
Avoid these parties at all costs. Hang out with 10 of your friends at an apartment. Go to the bars. Go to the Union. In the end, you'll find out College Library is a better place to check out members of the opposite sex, a coffin is more suitable than a house for a party and the party scene is quite overrated.
But that's just me.
michaeljones@students.wisc.edu
