I have never run into a burning building to save an elderly lady and her beloved cat. I have never tamed a wild horse and ridden it bareback into the sunset. I have never navigated the Indian Ocean on a boat crafted with my own two hands out of old Raisin Bran boxes and Elmer's Glue.
Although I like to think of myself as adventurous and heroic, the majority of my experiences so far have been ordinary and uneventful. In fact, I admit that I meander through life in a manner that would be completely meaningless, with one exception: I write a weekly column in The Daily Cardinal.
Faithfully reading my column will do nothing less than reveal to you the meaning of life and teach you the secret to achieving a 4.0 GPA. Plus, the paper it is printed on may be used to sop up spilled V8 should you run out of paper towels.
Certain works of writing by brilliant authors such as Faulkner have the ability to forever alter your perspective on the universe. In all seriousness, I can guarantee you that my column will not have such dramatic effects on your personal worldview, unless you happen to be a very sick and twisted individual.
Although it most likely will not transform your entire life, Brom's Qualms will at least provoke some measure of thought, causing you to ponder important issues such as the various substances that must have been clouding the brains of the editors when they decided to print my dimwitted refuse.
Maybe some day in the distant future I will finally come to realize my heroic aspirations. Quite possibly, writing a newspaper column will form the first step of my path to glory, opening up an entire realm of possibilities for the future. Until then, I'll be at home gluing together cereal boxes.
