almanac

New study finds that fracking and immigrants are the reason for everything bad

Pictured here are some of the lesser-scoring results from the Political Science department’s poll on what is causing all misfortune in the world.

Image By: Image Courtesy of Savannah McHugh

It’s blatantly obvious that the public education system is built around rationality and prioritization, so it is no shock that a recent study conducted by UW’s Political Science Department was focused around those very topics.

The study was sent out to everyone on campus that identified themselves as watching or reading the news at least once a year. Of those that took the study, only four marked their political views as “Independent” and their corresponding results were thus discarded due to issues of insanity. The study itself asked participants to answer fill in the blank questions like the following:

     “ _________________ makes me angry.

            I want to kill everyone that is a ____________.

            _____________ is the sole cause of the slow demise of humanity and our ecosystem.”

Topics covered included gun control, abortion, race relations, carbon emissions, attitudinal shifts in the past decade, party alignment, funding for education, and a plethora of other, less important issues. The answers to these questions were projected to determine the cause of current discourse and degradation in our society: after all, the general public knows best. 

The results, however, were shockingly consistent: fracking and immigration were attributed causation for nearly every current problem in the United States arena. 

Fracking, or “hydraulic fracturing” involves one-hundred construction workers smoking cigars that were packaged in a wasteful amount of plastic simultaneously shooting water guns for extended periods of time. This process causes earthquakes, contamination via leakage, and apparently also reverse racism (which is also apparently real?), Typhoon Mangkut, the recent increase in school shootings, the gender wage gap, and the disproportionate representation of the size of Africa on mainstream maps. 

On the other hand, immigration is a much more simple, well-depicted issue in the media, where beings (dare we even call them people?) walk across the chalk line drawn around the prestigious and ecologically superior United States. Immigrants are the reason for Apple slowing down the older generations of iPhone, felon disenfranchisement, the juuling addiction, and the near-extinction of the snail darter.  

Needless to say, the American public knows where their priorities lie. We can only hope that these highly opinionated participants also exercise their civic right and duty to vote this November. On a second thought, maybe these people shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Yikes. 

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