almanac

United States apparently on the brink of nuclear war with Canada

Canadian officials apologize to the nukes as they prepare to launch.

Image By: Image Courtesy of Creative Commons - U.S. Federal Government

It is true: The screeching anti-Trump millennials were right. The United States is on the brink of an eradication-worthy nuclear war with Canada. Justin Trudeau may be the hottest leader of all time (sorry JFK), but all is not well in the land of Tim Horton’s, universal healthcare, and “some good ole’ puck.” They may be passive aggressive, but Canadians are very upset. 

In fact, Canadians are so upset that they made a list of grievances comparable to those angrily scribbled sticky notes your roommate from freshman year left you. The grievances have recently been leaked from the FBI and are as follows:

1. Correct the definition of “eh” in all American dictionaries. “Exclamation used to represent a sound made in speech in a variety of situations, in particular to ask for something to be repeated or explained or to elicit agreement” lacks character. Insulting. 

2. Collect and destroy all copies of the movie “Elf” for inappropriate use of maple syrup. 

3. Bring back poutine at McDonalds. Or just replace all McDonalds with Timmies. Okay, yeah scratch that first part, they somehow managed to mess up fries with gravy and cheese. 

4. Change the name of the National Hockey League to the Binational Hockey League. We have seven of the teams, y’know?

5. Impeach the cheeto already, guy’s a hoser. 

6. Declare the Gulf of Maine  a free whaling zone.

7. Follow these directions or we will blow you Yankees up. (Sorry if that came across as rude). 

Canada’s ultimatum came on the heels of a border dispute between American Department of Homeland Security officers and a Canadian maple syrup tanker at the border between Detroit and Windsor, Ontario. 

“The maple syrup truck was found to be carrying a highly modified and volatile grade of genetically modified tree sap,” a border guard said. “The shipment was seized and the drivers apprehended.”

Canada’s Justin Trudeau condemned the action as an
“act of American nationalism,” and ordered that Canada enter a state of nuclear emergency, with all the nation’s intermediate and long-range ICBMs primed, armed and ready for a frontal, full-scale conflict. 

As can be seen, Americans are in real and immediate danger, and as of now, we are suggesting that all capable evacuate and change their names if they even slightly indicate American heritage. Best of luck and stay tuned for updates from up North — winter is coming. 

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