almanac

SOAR Student found wandering Humanities halls after five years

Early Thursday morning a UW-Police officer discovered a SOAR student wandering the halls of the labyrinthine Humanities Building. The officer entered the building after receiving reports of a Bigfoot-like creature wandering the halls. The Cardinal reached out to the officer, Paul B. Lart.
The cop said, “I found him in the bathroom drinking water from a toilet bowl. There was a water bubbler right down the hall, poor guy. Being in a building like this ... does something to a person’s mind. Heck, I almost mistook a painting of a water bubbler for the real thing.”
The Humanities building, known for its hideous exterior, is also ironically, the second home to art majors on the UW campus. Its interior design seems to follow no logical pattern in terms of room placement and numbers, which leads to many unfortunate students becoming trapped in its halls. Even the architects who designed the building have been found wandering aimlessly months after its construction.
While it’s not rare for SOAR students, or even freshmen, to be found wandering the halls of the Humanities building, this student set an unprecedented record for time spent missing in the maze-like building. Normally UWPD finds the students by the end of their freshman year. The UWPD Chief, Kristen Roman, expressed some concern.
“This raises some alarming issues,” she said. “How many more students are still wandering those halls, trying to find their way out? We want to send a search party, but we lost contact with the last group we dispatched in there. It’s been two months since we last heard from them.”
When asked if he would consider volunteering to take part in a search party Officer Lart said, “There’s no way they’re sending me back in there. I’m considering going back to the simple life of being a mall cop after all this.”
The SOAR student could not be reached for any questions, but our sources tell us he’s planning to begin his art history major in the upcoming fall semester.

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