How to have a cheap Valentine’s Day

It’s now nearing that oh-so-special time of year and you need to make it the best Valentine’s Day possible. Right now you feel the need to outdo every other human being in order to prove that you love/care for a particular person, despite the fact that you show your love every other day of the fucking year. Well, if you’re stuck in this predicament and are looking for a great way to avoid contributing to the capitalist machine that just wants to drain you of your money, you’ve come to the right place! With these three easy tips you can become a Valentine’s Day champion, without breaking the bank!
Tip #1:
Don’t reserve a date at their favorite restaurant.
While some might say to reserve a date weeks, maybe even months in advance, don’t do that. That’s a beginner’s move. The best course of action is to tell them you have reserved a date at their favorite restaurant and wait in line with them. It gives you a great conversation topic with them before and after you get dismissed by the host. Before you leave the restaurant make sure to argue with the host as much as humanly possible. Do not back down, assert that you did, in fact, make a reservation. That will show them you’re serious. Do not leave until your partner requests that you do so. Then you can go to McDonald’s and have a cheap dinner while blaming the restaurant for not properly reserving a table for you on their busiest day of the year. This tactic will only work once per partner.

Tip #2:
Ask them what their ideal Valentine’s Day looks like.
You might be thinking that this will backfire and you’ll have to shell out a lot of money. While that is possible, keep this in mind, most people will say something along the lines of: “Oh, it doesn’t have to be anything special. Just spending the day with you is good enough. Valentine’s Day isn’t a super important thing anyway, I already know you love me.” If possible, get proof of them saying what they want, by asking via text or recording the conversation (with consent of course). Then do exactly what they said. Don’t plan anything, just free up your schedule and tell them you’re going to give them the best Valentine’s Day they could ever ask for. If they later tell you that you don’t care about them you can remind them that this is exactly what they asked for. Keep in mind that this will only work once per partner.

Tip #3:

Buy them flowers, candy (preferably chocolate unless they’re allergic or one of those weird people who don’t like chocolate), and just take them out for a nice brunch or lunch date.

Right now you may be thinking that this tip is not in line with the previously listed tactics. Keep in mind that this particular tactic should not be used until at least one of the previous ones have been implemented. After they have been implemented you can enjoy your remaining Valentine’s Day with this partner worry free. Because your partner’s standards are set so low you can take them somewhere very inexpensive, like your local pancake place. If you’re feeling particularly romantic you can even splurge on getting extra chocolate chips or bacon. Afterwards you can always cuddle up and begin your yearly sex ritual.

If you’ve done anything  on this list you’ve successfully made it through a cheap Valentine’s Day. At the same time, you’ve set the Valentine’s Day bar as low as humanly possible. This means that on future Valentine’s Days you can just have a simple and cheap day while being seen as a vast improvement to previous years. This tactic will work for up to five years! If you have a new partner, you can always just start from Tip #1 all over again. We here at The Daily Cardinal hope you enjoy your incredibly mediocre and cheap Valentine’s Day.

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