almanac

Voters unaware that Jill Stein was giving them the silent treatment

In July, in a Green Party press release, presidential candidate Jill Stein outlined her plans to give America the “silent treatment.” Stein stated that until voters decide to act their age, they would not receive any attention from her. The announcement came amid a push by the Green Party to portray themselves as a common sense alternative to the mainstream candidates. The plan was aiming to appeal to voters’ common sense.

The communications freeze from Stein did not have the wanted effect, however. Polls indicate that 84 percent of Americans were unaware that the Green Party existed. On a brighter note for the left-leaning party, roughly half of surveyed voters indicated that they would be interested in voting for a porcelain mug full of German beer over the candidates from the Democratic and Republican parties.

After three months of the silent treatment, Stein returned to the campaign scene with an impromptu rally at her local Whole Foods in Lexington, Mass. When words spread, a crowd of over a hundred people crowded around the locally grown podium, a record audience for the Green Party. She spoke passionately, mostly about environmental issues, a focal point of her campaign. Beyond this she also addressed issues of corporate finance and college debt.

After the speech, a Cardinal field writer spoke with Doug Chalice while they browsed for responsibly grown alfalfa sprouts. He reported that Chalice seemed very interested in Stein, and quoted him saying, “I will definitely be voting Jill Stein for District 14 Comptroller. I don’t know what a comptroller does, but after hearing her speak, I think she’s a lock for the job!”

In the Green Party’s October newsletter, Stein stated that she believes America has not learned its lesson yet, but that “enough is enough, it’s time for the communications freeze to end.” She also voiced her concern that if she stopped campaigning, voters might “forget that politicians don’t have to be horrible human beings.”

At press time, Stein was attending a fracking protest in Iowa, while disapproving of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump’s continued spewing of unwanted CO2 with their constant bickering.

Almanac is our home for satire, sex, creative writing and much more. Satirical articles are intended as such.

Comments powered by Disqus

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Cardinal.