almanac

France proactively surrenders WWIII

PARIS – After a series of high-level meetings, French president François Hollande announced that the nation of France officially surrenders the next major world conflict. The ceremonial surrendering was held Sunday morning in front of the Eiffel Tower and was watched by a cheering crowd.

In a press conference following the ceremony, Minister of Foreign Affairs Jean-Marc Ayrault explained the seemingly strange decision, which was unanimously agreed on by the French Parliament. In a passionate speech he cited the many benefits of continuing “our country’s proud tradition of surrender.” The announcement was intended to be one of peace. Ayrault explained that since the French have been falling behind other major world powers in weapons technology, an early exit from potential war could save them from the worry of weapons development, freeing up more time for wine research and development.

When asked about the surrender at an unrelated media event, Holland also mentioned concerns regarding Russian aggression and their increased submarine presence surrounding Europe. Along the same lines, he made several references to the ongoing presidential race in the United States. He stated, “If that fellow with the horrible hairpiece were to win the American election, I would have grave concerns about the possible escalation of Cold War-type tensions.”

The public announcement was also used as a platform to release the new official French flag. Officials in charge of the switch directly addressed the gathered crowd, saying: “We have kept the same design that has represented our country since the revolution, only tweaking it slightly. The blue has been changed to ivory, and the red has been tweaked slightly to a more appealing shade of pearl.” Polls show that the vast majority of French citizens approve of the new changes.

At press time, French officials were enjoying some cheese and wine, and had not noticed a tentative Spanish invasion.

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